KEVIN PERKINS


Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees the funny side of everything, and there are plenty of funny goings-on in fishing. But not everybody is able to convey the funny and often quirky nature of fishing. But Kevin can. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the satire and laughs along the way.

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

THE ALTERNATIVE ANGLING SURVEY

The angling press does it, so why doesn’t FM get in early with the first survey of 2005? Fully comprehensive in covering just about every aspect of fishing. In order to make it easy we have chosen the multi-choice question format. Your reward for filling out the questionnaire will be in the satisfaction of knowing you have helped towards compiling the answers, and you can be assured that the results will be published without fear or favour.

Best Vehicle for Going Fishing

  1. Pickup Trucks, as long as they have high ground clearance and four wheel drive so you can get right up tight to your swim
  2. Mitsuidai Mudplugger (whilst remaining completely impartial we feel we must take this opportunity to point out the very attractive advert the manufacturers have placed which really shows off the advantages of this fabulous all terrain vehicle, equally happy travelling to either High Street Bank or River Bank)
  3. Any other Chelsea Tractor
  4. Your Mate’s Car

Best Pole

  1. Sowerbutts
  2. Anything else in bamboo, the weight alone restricts the length to 18′, and that’s far enough. For fishing further out than that we invented rods and reels.
  3. Well if you have to have a carbon pole, make sure it is at least 17m in length, preferably longer. And, of course, it won’t be any good (or get listed in the survey) unless it costs at least £ 3000.
  4. Ernest Rubik

Best Reel

  1. Anything with a Shimano badge on it, as will be readily confirmed by carp anglers. They cost a fortune, they look good, and last for years. That’s because carp anglers get to a swim, cast out once and leave their bait out for three days at least. Or even better, spend hundreds of pounds on a baitboat, to protect your Shimano’s from all that strain of casting. This way the reels hardly get used at all. In fact isn’t it about time the baitboat makers designed one that brought your tackle back to you? Obvious niche market being missed there, if you ask me.
  2. ‘Bakelite Revolver’ Out of production for over 50 years, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good reel, so by all means please vote for it. Renewed interest in this particular model will only serve to increase its value for those people (like me!) who are lucky enough to own one
  3. Eightsome

Best Rod

  1. As long as it costs over £ 200, looks the mutt’s nuts while sat on the pod and is capable of casting at least 200 yards, anything will do
  2. Anything that costs almost £ 200, look the mutt’s nuts while sat on the pod and is capable of casting just short of 200 yards
  3. Stewart

Favourite Fish

  1. Carp – Any named fish, therefore gains respect of fellow anglers when (re)captured
  2. Carp – Any fish not yet given a name, but certainly known to brother angers, therefore gains respect etc. as above
  3. Carp – Not seen before, therefore capture treated as ‘suspicious’
  4. If there is no ‘proper’ carp fishing available – I will go to a commercial if I have to, but only to try out baits and rigs, of course

Favourite Fishery

  1. Very, very exclusive specimen Carp stillwater syndicate, somewhere in Southern England
  2. Very, very exclusive specimen Carp stillwater syndicate, somewhere other than Southern England
  3. Very, very expensive day ticket specimen Carp stillwater
  4. If there is no specimen carp fishery available – I will go to a commercial if I have to, but only to try out baits and rigs, of course
  5. If your favourite fishery is frozen over, you are allowed to go barbel fishing with your carp gear, but only in cases of extreme withdrawal

If none of the above, please choose favourite river:

  1. Errr……
  2. Umm……
  3. Ahhhh……
  4. Please explain to me what rivers have to do with fishing (for carp) Although, see 5 above for special dispensation to go barbel fishing on a river

Best Bait

  1. Can’t tell you, it’s a secret, of course!
  2. Boilie – non specific so as to not give the game away
  3. Pellet – non specific so as to not give the game away
  4. Anything else – don’t bother to list type of bait, you must be a small fish angler and therefore your answer doesn’t matter…..

Favourite Angling Website

  1. Too modest to mention, but votes for anything other than this site won’t count
  2. See above
  3. See above (how many clues do you need….)

Preferred Make of Tackle

  1. For the sake of impartiality, we won’t mention particular brands, but a quick look around the adverts around the site should give you a few pointers…….

Preferred Tackle Supplier

  1. For the sake of impartiality, we won’t mention particular outlets, but a quick look around the adverts on the site should give you a few pointers…….

Favourite Angling Holiday

  1. Barbados
  2. Florida Keys
  3. I’m not an angling celebrity and have to pay for my own holidays
  4. Anywhere where there is more that a puddle and I haven’t got the missus and kids with me
  5. If I dare to mention the words ‘holiday’ and ‘fishing’ in the same sentence, I have only got myself to blame for the consequences

There, at last, a comprehensive and completely unbiased survey. The results will truly reflect what we want you to say……..

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