The Alternative Angler – Baited Breath

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

So, news filters through that in our continuing struggle to outwit our piscine quarry we have to turn to ‘Washed Out’ baits. The thinking behind this is that fish will know these baits have been in the water for a long time (free feed rather than hookbaits), and are therefore ‘safe’.

Hmmmm…… baits without flavours, now that is a turn up for the books. Perhaps we should also now question the thinking behind hi-viz pop-ups, because far from attracting fish, could they be scaring them away as they are too obvious?

It would therefore seem that the best bait would appear to be one that has no flavour at all and whilst it shouldn’t necessarily be invisible, is probably at the very least translucent. Haven’t seen them in the shops yet (well you wouldn’t, would you!) so you will have to make you own for a while at least. Standby for a plethora of recipes in the angling press telling you how to make these odourless, colourless boilies…….

But what if the fish wise up to these new ‘Almost There’ baits, what then? Think on, first we had highly flavoured, usually freshly made baits. Following that we had ‘washed out’ and apparently left lying on the bottom until they become ‘safe’. Surely the next logical step is to imitate baits that have been left lying around for so long that they start to go off. Now here is a real positive challenge for the flavouring experts and bait suppliers.

Commercially made ‘Really Well Past Their Shelf Life’ boilies will become available with ‘Do Not Use Until ‘ dates stamped on them. Spray on fluffy coatings will be sold in various shades of blue, green and grey to allow you to imitate mould build-up on your baits. Arguments will rage as to whether baits should be presented as hard or soft to show that they have gone stale (for example, old cake goes hard, old biscuits go soft) Penicillin will become the must have bait booster for your glug pots to replace old favourites such as corn steep liquor.

That batch of cheese paste that you inadvertently left in your tackle box for two weeks last summer, which caused a gas leak scare, evacuation of several surrounding streets, and required the services of the local Environmental Health department to dispose of, will become a much sort-after commodity. Chemists will be rushing to synthesise and replicate the particular pungent odour that comes from leaving a bait box full of worms until the contents turn liquid (Not just me, surely!).

Looking back. It’s a pity that the firm in charge of catering for British Rail isn’t still in existence. Some of the stuff they used to serve up would be just about the right maturity to use as a basis for what we are looking for here.

Predator fishermen will be in need of some industrial strength airtight containers to carry their four week old deadbaits around in. Probably best if these boxes are fitted with an airlock and the baits are exposed to the air for as little time as possible to prevent the unfortunate angler being swamped by every cat within a five-mile radius. Won’t be a pretty sight to look at either, as a week old mackerel head can look like it belongs in a Stephen King film, perhaps a black PVA bag will help during hooking and casting. You could pour the four week old deadbaits straight into the bag, remembering to tie the top very quickly.

Or perhaps a more subtle approach is required; maybe baits with ‘Just a Hint Of’ should be tried first. This is relatively easy to achieve, as we all know someone who’s breath can shred newspaper. Simply befriend this person, take them fishing with you and ask them to breathe over your bait before you cast out, tell them it’s an old fishing superstition. This could be a bonus if you like to fish with dead maggots as swamping them with malodorous breath will save you the tiresome job of humanely tapping each one over the head with a priest (that is how you do it, isn’t it?) .

Careful priming of said new best friend with the required flavouring the night before can be useful if you are after a particular scent. Beer, curry, garlic, dog, (well you get beer breath after a night on the ale, curry breath eating curry, garlic breath after eating garlic, so you must get dog’s breath after eating …….). Just make sure you don’t sit too near them on the bank in case of unwanted emissions.

And finally….

This week’s hypothetical questions are based on the following premise – Suppose the River Ouse floods during the Spring, and a certain famous fish gets swept over the weir (don’t worry the fish won’t be traumatised in any way, although the sudden loss of its natural diet of halibut pellets may cause a sharp downward fluctuation in its weight until concerned anglers are able to locate it and continue the normal feeding regime) and is unable to get back into the Adam’s Mill water, will that mean:

A) Tickets for the syndicate will suddenly become cheaper?

B) A rash of people frantically trying to get rid of tickets for the syndicate will appear on eBay?

C) Adam’s Mill syndicate members will demand ‘their’ barbel is returned – ”Can we have our fish back mister?”

D) The section below Adam’s Mill will now become a syndicate and normal service will be resumed?

My bet is ……….’C’ first closely followed by ‘D’ if the answer is ‘No!’