The Alternative Angler – Barbel Babble

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

BARBEL BABBLE

Judging by the amount of press coverage lately, barbel are the new carp. Whilst there are pages of instruction of how to and where to catch them, a couple of locations are regularly missed off the lists, for the reasons listed below.

The Fighting Barbel of the Manchester Ship Canal

Finding and capturing these almost mythical beasts requires specialist local knowledge and techniques. In order to make locating one a slightly easier prospect some preparatory work needs to be done with the help of a kind of local ghillie, and to this end, a certain group known as scallies are employed. Payment in advance needs to be made in the local currency, known as Giros, before pre-baiting begins. The two scallies will position themselves approximately 100 yards either side of your chosen swim, and at a pre-arranged signal will each dump a stolen car into the canal. The disturbance caused will make the fish bolt to a position half-way between the two cars, exactly where you are fishing.

Before deploying the cars, please check with scallies as to the finish you require, whether it be burnt out, with or without windows, (fast or slow sink) and whether or not you want the aerial left up to act as a marker. But in all instances please ensure you get hold of the groundbait mixing bowls (hubcaps), as apparently these are a prized possession in the area. As well as having two scallies doing your pre-baiting, you will need another couple to mind your car whilst you are fishing, or it could end up pre-baiting someone else’s swim.

You can get round this by arriving in a taxi, but please be aware that the taxi driver will not actually stop the car for fear of losing his hub caps, so be prepared to jump from the moving vehicle. When being picked up, the reverse is the case in that you and your tackle will have to dive into the car through the open back window as the cab drives slowly past.

As to bait, your choice is severely restricted at this venue. Whilst luncheon meat, Peperami, etc, are perfectly acceptable elsewhere, merely opening a can of Spam in these parts is very dangerous as the scent will draw in the locals, to whom meat is an unheard of delicacy. You can avoid this by laying a chum trail of Peperami cubes that leads to the local benefits office/pub, this should confuse them for long enough for you to get some fishing done.

So, as stated, you need to take great care if you intend to use any meat based baits, and likewise, any sweet flavourings should also be avoided for the same reason. Safest bet is to use something like hair-rigged broccoli to avoid drawing attention to yourself. Probably won’t lure many barbel either, but that is why they are so hard to catch!

The Phantom Barbel of the South

‘Darn Sarf’ is where all the big barbel are, as we all know. But unless you belong to an exclusive syndicate you’re not going to get a look in at the whoppers. You can scour the press for hints to locations, by clues such as ‘East of Tilbury’, Upstream of Bedford’ or ‘North of Gloucester’ are all a bit vague.

And then there is the tackle you will need. Unless I am mistaken, at least one, and usually two, new ‘Barbel Specialist’ rods are launched every week. Not only that, but the butts of these rods are now stamped with ‘Best Before’ dates because you definitely aren’t allowed to fish for this particular species with out of date gear.

Add to this the ‘blue sky thinking’ over bait, and you will see just how easy it is to get completely overtaken by new innovations in this fast moving, specimen chasing world. Whereas ex carp anglers would assume that their degrees in chemistry would stand them in good stead when it comes to boilie making, barbel anglers are working on an entirely different level, and using exotic baits like crushed up mitten crab.

Here is a complete role reversal. Instead of piling in tons of food that the fish have never seen before, they are trying to imitate food that their quarry actually recognise as natural (although, of course, to some carp, boilies have become a natural food source!)

In fact, much of the current explosion of interest in barbel mirrors (no pun intended!) the start of the carp fishing revolution of the fifties (new techniques, new tackle, exclusive waters) and only one big fish, Clarrisa. That Dick Walker had the right idea, target the biggest fish around, catch it, claim the record, and whip it out before it puts on another couple of ounces and some other bugger pinches your title.

Perhaps the next time ‘The Traveller’ comes out (can only be a week of so) it should be crated up and shipped over to the aquarium at Whipsnade Zoo, and make it a level playing field for the rest of us for a little while, don’t you think?