The Alternative Angler – Barsalmoning Anyone?

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Barsalmoning – Anyone?

Rather than being ‘sheep’ and just following trends and patterns, it is far better to look to the future and try to predict the next ‘big thing’ in angling. We’ve had the carp phenomenon for a quite a few years, now; of course it is barbel that are all the rage, but what next? Could be a swing towards predators, for a change, with perch being probably favourite, although zander might just be a bit of a dark horse. Pike and eels…..well you have to be mad to even begin fishing for eels, and whilst pike are undoubtedly popular, fishing for them on a windswept lake in the depths of January, isn’t going to appeal to everyone.

Apart from that, dace, chub, bream even grayling all have their supporters, but probably won’t stir up the entire angling nation in the way that carp and barbel have. No, it needs something special to fire the imagination; something just that little bit more upmarket and I reckon the fish to fit the bill exactly will be…..salmon! And before you all dismiss this as madness, I am talking about advances in genetic engineering to produce an F2 strain of salmon, which will be perfect for all our needs.

In the first instance this fish will need to be modified to stifle the urge to go off to the sea every year, the easiest way to do that is to substantially increase the percentage of female DNA to ensure they will get lost finding their way out of the pool they are in, let alone embark on a trek down to the estuary. The anorexic tendency of not eating whilst in rivers will be weeded out as well, although halibut pellets will be off the menu, as you don’t want your catch to taste of fish, do you? Although, perhaps ironically, the descendants of the new super fish were probably the only freshwater species to have encountered halibut in the wild, as it were.

A new range of baits with flavours such as Cucumber and Dill will be developed, usually fished in conjunction with a Tartare Sauce glug, and a resistance to eating flies will certainly be embedded in the gene splicing process, to ensure your quarry has not been snacking on something whose last meal was a cowpat (or worse!) And here, in a deviation to barbel, and all other coarse fish, any record fish caught will be just that, because each fish landed will be removed (well, you don’t want to splash out all that money and not have something to show for it at the end of the day, do you?). And salmon taste so much better than barbel, don’t they? (Given that barbel don’t appear to feature on many immigrant’s fish rustling outings, and if they won’t eat them…..).

Then we have to involve the tackle industry, as a whole new range of products will have to be developed to cater for this new trend, and need to be ready for a simultaneous launch date, because the carp/barbel tackle crossover won’t work this time. Carsalmoning or Barsalmoning just don’t sit right at all. No, completely new gear is the only way, I’m afraid, and not only tackle, you can chuck out that camou gear and get yourself kitted out in something far more upmarket, preferably Tweed jackets, lovat shirts and moleskin chinos, and don’t even think about slipping your foot into anything that hasn’t got buckles and ‘Hunter’ written on the side.

Rods and reels will need to be considerably beefed up; every manufacturer will produce an upmarket ‘Salar’ range, to give the, well what should we call devotees of this new sport – Salmoners, Salmonists, (see, a sport so new, even the nomenclature has yet to be decided,) a chance to land their magnificent quarry. Don’t be surprised to see a few ex catfish rods just being re-labelled by manufacturers rather than them going to all the bother of developing new kit. And I strongly suspect that not a few ‘Big Pit’ reels will be modified to hold spools the size of baked bean tins, to cope with the obligatory 350 metres of treble plaited braid that will be de rigueur for this new sport.

The environment Agency will be rubbing its hands too, at the thought of all those four rod salmon licences that will be needed. Now, with modern day barbel anglers having set the standard of frowning on the use of keepnets, disapproving of fish being stocked in stillwaters and forming expensive syndicates to preserve the exclusivity of their pursuit, salmon fishing must be the next logical step. Wouldn’t surprise me if some enterprising clubs weren’t already quietly buying up stretches of river in preparation for this new trend, also gives them the opportunity to crank up the prices by around 400%, salmon fishing doesn’t come cheap.

…….. Ah, but then again, perhaps recent events on the Trent are an indication that the launch day may not be too far off……