The Alternative Angler – Cautionary Tail

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

CAUTIONARY TAIL

Let me recount the story of an angling acquaintance of mine that we shall call Steve. He has always had an eye for the ladies, as his long suffering and long suspecting wife Sharon would only readily confirm. His female colleagues at work have him down as a lech, but he just thinks he is an Olympic standard flirt. Steve’s job brings him into contact with a number of sales representatives, and the standing joke is that he will only see them if they are blond and female.

His banter with these ladies is always bordering on the suggestive, with double-entendres liberally scattered through the conversation, but in just about every case these always fall on stony ground. On one occasion, however, he got back as good as he got, and more. This puzzled Steve, and after the meeting, he couldn’t make any sense of what went on. The girl, who we shall call Amanda, called him a few days later and asked him if he wanted to come over to their offices, for a look round and a coffee, just if he was passing, of course.

Steve was slightly troubled by this. He wanted to see her, his ego told him that, but this was new territory to him. Perhaps seeing her at work with her colleagues would be would be okay as he was still fairly concerned that she was just winding him up. He thought long and hard and took the sensible or perhaps coward’s route and decided not to go.

Two weeks later Amanda rang, and sounded quite hurt that he hadn’t managed to find the time to pop in and see her, as they always had the coffee pot on the go, and would send out for biscuits or cakes if he did ever show. Steve felt slightly ashamed and promised he would call in before the end of the week.

When he did go round, he had planned an excuse that meant he could only stay for half an hour or so as he had to get back for an appointment. When he opened the office door, he was taken aback as he found that he only had Amanda for company. She seemed genuinely pleased to see him and Steve was more than a little surprised when his outstretched arm offering a handshake was brushed aside in favour of a lingering hug.

That incident over, they sat down, had coffee and chatted like old friends for more than an hour, during which mobile phone numbers were exchanged. When the time came to go Steve was treated to another embrace, and a peck on the cheek. He left with a spring in his step, and couldn’t get Amanda out of his mind. She had told him feel free to call in whenever he wanted to, but still unsure of what was happening, he left things for a few days.

After a week, a pleading text from Amanda stirred him into action and from then on regular lunchtime sessions became the norm. It was obvious that this had gone beyond just friendship; the kiss goodbye had become supplemented with a kiss on arrival, and several tactile moments in between, as they didn’t seem able to keep their hands off each other.

They both wanted more, but Steve knew that Sharon watched him like a hawk, and going for a drink after work, and other such diversions, would instantly arouse her suspicion. Then it came to him, the perfect solution! He could go fishing and spend a whole day with Amanda, rather than these furtive and frustrating snatched half hours.

Steve made a great play about going fishing more regularly, getting all his tackle out, buying lots of bits and pieces, preparing baits, etc, to which Sharon was more or less oblivious. The due date arrived and Steve and Amanda actually went fishing together, or rather he set up his gear and then they spent most of the time under his brolly, just enjoying each other’s company. Amanda had even packed a picnic, and all things considered, they had a great day together.

On the way home Steve stopped in a lay-by, emptied his flask, and threw away the sandwiches he had made. As he stood by the bin he felt a twinge of conscience, but then he thought what the hell, they hadn’t done anything wrong, had they?

Next week, another fishing trip, but this time the gear was left in the car, and they went sightseeing and window shopping, in a town far way from home, so as not to be recognised. A nice leisurely lunch in a cosy little pub, and walking around afterwards, arm in arm, they hadn’t a care in the world.

Next fishing trip, the gear stayed in the boot, and they never left Amanda’s house, and that was the way it went on for some time. So far, Sharon hadn’t made any comment about this renewed interest in fishing and by now, quite regular trips. Then one day, Steve came home from work to find her avidly reading one of his fishing weeklies. In fact this interest seemed to grow, Steve did ask, but Sharon just said she wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Indeed, it was Sharon that started buying angling magazines, and she would even go into tackle shops and pick up the latest catalogues. Then she began to ask fairly innocent questions such as what is this rod for, why do you need that reel, etc. Some nights they would sit on the sofa and go through books and magazines together, Steve was really impressed that his wife was finally taking an interest in his sport, even though the trips with Amanda were still continuing.

He even offered to take Sharon out, as she seemed so keen, but she said she wanted to make sure she was ready, as she didn’t want to look stupid. Steve felt he really had the best of both worlds, Amanda was as keen as ever, and as well as Sharon taking an interest in fishing, she had recently started to take a bit more pride in her appearance, had her hair done differently, even bought some new clothes.

Just after this Steve came home from work, and found Sharon waiting on the doorstep for him. She looked stunning, and he was amazed when she said she wanted to go fishing. Dressed like that, how could she? Sharon said she just wanted to go and watch Steve fish, and then afterwards they could perhaps go to a pub somewhere for dinner, and he could show her off. Steve jumped at the chance and slung his gear in the car. Sharon bought the loaf (which Steve had told her was the only bait he ever used, these days. It was a small price to pay for a day with Amanda, even if he did throw it away after every trip) and they set off to the lake.

When they got there, Steve sat Sharon in his chair and started to get his gear out. He rummaged around in his holdall to find a rod; bearing in mind he hadn’t actually got any of them out for months. He pulled a bag out of its tube, undid the tie, and was surprised to see two bits of garden cane. Rubbing his eyes in disbelief, he slid the ‘rod’ back into its tube. He pulled out another bag, same thing, garden canes. Fortunately for him, Sharon had her back to him and was busy thumbing through yet another catalogue.

Steve found exactly the same thing in all eight tubes, the umbrella and bankstick pockets also contained pea sticks. Panicking slightly he turned his attention to his holdall. Almost not daring to look, he slowly unzipped the top and peered inside. Instead of his prized collection of baitrunners, bite alarms, end tackle and bits carefully collected over the years, he found crumpled up newspaper and four house bricks. All the outside pockets were similarly empty of tackle and padded out with newspaper.

Steve was stunned and speechless; Sharon looked up from her catalogue and said:

“Wonderful thing that eBay, but I did have a job getting the right price for all the bits, it pays to research thoroughly.”

waving the catalogue, she continued, “As you haven’t been using your tackle for ages, I thought I might as well sell it and treat myself.” She stood up and smoothed an imaginary crease from her new outfit.

Then, smiling sweetly, she looked Steve straight in the eyes, as she said, “and with no gear left, you won’t need to be going on any more fishing trips, will you?”