The Alternative Angler – Chav-Vendor

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

CHAV-VENDOR

Unless you have just come back from a ten year trip to Saturn, you will be aware of the apparently new phenomenon that is ‘Chav’. Let’s see, this involves people who readily indulge in very conspicuous consumption. They cannot possibly leave the house without the very latest in what is considered to be ‘must have’ items and of course, expense is no object in obtaining the right gear.

When it comes to buying on a whim, replacing things that aren’t worn out or broken, getting tackle just because it has the right ‘name’ on it, or just walking into a (tackle) shop with the intention of spending no more than £ 5.00 and ending up loading your credit card with £ 500 because you just couldn’t resist all those bright shiny new things they were tempting you with…..

So, it would seem our angling Tackle Tarts have been trend setting for ages, and the fashionistas of the press are only just catching on to a cult that we anglers have been slavishly following for years. Could it be that now is the time to see if there isn’t a case for a cross -over of the two disciplines?

Whilst we are probably not going to see hordes of anglers in regulation Burberry baseball caps, perhaps the subtle addition of the ubiquitous check pattern on the facing of the collar on one-piece suits would replace the current rather bland corduroy.

Still on clothing, waders and moon boots are long due a makeover, Nike should start to market some exclusive models with ‘Air Max’ soles and why is it that we can’t have interchangeable screw in studs like footballers do? Normal studs for muddy banks, metal cleats for wading, rubber studs for drier conditions, and running spikes if you are fishing a ‘rover’ match so you can get to that coveted peg in half the time.

Although if you have ever tried running in waders, you will know it’s bloody nigh impossible, and if you are a committed Chav, you don’t do running anyway, as the compulsory 56oz gold chain round you neck will have beaten you senseless after you had taken three strides. Anyway, if they can charge £ 125 for a pair of football boots, surely top of the range waders should be at least £ 400. That ‘s Chav enough, isn’t it?

Although, in Chav World, the more you have the better you are thought of, so a ready market would be a Burberry patterned bivvy liner. Yards of material you can show if you want to, or otherwise, discreetly tucked away from sight, with just the corner of a storm flap turned back to give a hint of what’s inside – perfect. Although a Burberry design cloth to drape over your bivvy table would say so much more about you than words ever could.

We are well on the way with MHC (Must Have Chav) gear in the fishing world, all that is needed is to make it a bit more expensive, and a touch more ‘bling’. Gold plated rod rings would be most desirable, along with gold reel fittings and butt caps. Reels will need to have gold plated side covers at the very least and be jewel encrusted, of course, but more importantly, will have the spools fitted with rather smaller versions of those chrome wheel spinners so beloved by Gangsta Rappers.

With all this very expensive gear lying around, it would make sense to show the world just how rich you are by having your own personal bodyguard to look after your tackle; wouldn’t want some little upstart coming along and thieving it all, would you?

You couldn’t just sell this stuff at any old tackle shops, selected specialist retailers would have to be appointed, under the label of ‘Chav Vendors’ (Vendor – someone who sells Chav gear, chavender = old name for chub. Chub = fishing. All right, it was bloody hard work for me to sort the pun out too!).

Perhaps a corner of these shops could be set aside, roped off and only accessed by those with a special member’s card, gold of course. Not just a piece of plastic painted gold, but real gold. And speaking of real gold, those of you whose teeth look like they have flossed with liquorice bootlaces, will welcome the opportunity to replace those unsightly molars with 18c carat versions. Such gleaming dentistry will place you right at the top of the Chav tree.

Seems to me that us anglers are the leading exponents of all things Chav already, don’t you think?