Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees both the funny and darker side of life, and there are plenty of funny and dark goings-on in fishing. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the strange, the satirical, and the plain comical along the way.
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the whacky side of fishing life and grab a laugh or a lament along the way.
Har-Rods
Well, a credit crunch will always bring out the best in those who can spot an opportunity in difficult times. Those companies that can quickly evolve will always succeed. Given the downturn in the high street, it is perhaps no surprise that now is the time that TickleTackle choose to launch their first foray into retailing.
With so many premises become available, TickleTackle have managed to pick up a small outlet in Knightsbridge called Har-Rods. Fortunately not too much re-modelling will be needed to the various departments contained within to adapt them to all things piscatorial.
In the Food Hall, the delicatessen counter will blend all sorts of imaginative recipes into baits to tempt the most fastidious of piscine palates. White truffle flavoured boilies for carp, anchovy and beluga caviar pellets for barbel, sea bass fillets for pike. Stone-ground, unbleached, organic bread flake for roach, Stilton and Gruyere cheese paste for chub.
The outfitting department will finally be able to fulfil a gaping hole in the market for bespoke fishing apparel. Top of the range will be fully tailored, one and two-piece suits will be available in a full selection of timelessly elegant country-compatible colours (none of that chavvy camou) with matching or contrasting silk linings, and for the first time a double-breasted option with side or centre vents and turn back cuffs (Buttonhole optional).
The jewellery section will set about bringing much needed touch of class to your tackle. A famous watch making company has turned its horologist skills into the all-new Relex centre-pin range. Milled from solid titanium, with diamond-encrusted rim, and sporting hand polished, tortoiseshell handles. The back plate has an inset watch face with gold hands and the motion of the drum operates the self-winding mechanism.
The fisherman’s every comfort will be catered for in the Outdoor department. Long stay anglers will now be spoilt for choice with upmarket accessories. The first, and perhaps most important of these is the revolutionary new portable Aga for your bivvy. This turns your temporary accommodation into a real home from home with two hotplates and warming oven as well as the ability to power two radiators. Purchasers will be able to obtain grants to enable them to lag the roofs of their bivvies to minimise heat loss.
All the above features and a whole lot more come as standard on the all-new ‘Chatsworth’ range. This takes bivvies to a level of comfort never dreamed of before. The moment you walk up the gravel drive to the oak-panelled front door (letter box, door bell and security lighting optional), you know you’re arrived ‘home’. The ability to bolt on a guest wing is a real breakthrough, and the range of canopied verandas cover just about every eventuality.
Should you want to really push the boat out, why not opt for the additional servant’s quarters’ pack, which gives the choice of butler and/or under stairs maid to cater to your every whim. Just imagine sitting out on your veranda while the butler serves the Earl Grey and the maid is bent over the Aga getting her scones out (pause for smutty thoughts to disperse). If that doesn’t impress your fishing mates then nothing will.
Some of you will be dismayed that there will be no TickleTackle products on display in the Fishing Tackle section, but there again, why would there be? The marketing folks at TT don’t see that displaying their goods at some parochial corner shop (after all, it is only one outlet, it’s not like it’s a national chain) is going to do much for their image, other than to cheapen it. The good news is that TickleTackle are going to launch a customer-facing facility in the near future, but of course, it will be on very different lines to anything seen before.
Think VIP airport lounge surroundings, where you, the prospective customer are made to feel welcome (entrance by invitation only and on receipt of hefty fee) and after being cosseted, you will be thoroughly vetted as to your suitability as a TT customer, before being allowed through to the inner sanctum. Here you will be allowed to view (but not touch) a selection of products as they pass by on a conveyor belt positioned behind a plate glass screen.
Having made your selection, you will then be made to pay for the products in full and then you will be sent on your way. Your order will then be processed in our own good time and any increase in materials, labour costs or technical expertise will be directly passed on to you once a suitable mark-up has been levied. Products will be delivered when we say and not before and there is no point in trying to chase up your order through our Customer Service Dept, because we haven’t got one.
And to the person who phoned up the other day asking “How much discount can I get orf that TickleTackle gear at the moment, wot wiv things being the way they are and ev’ry fing? Cash job no tax, know what I mean guv?” Let’s just say you can expect a visit from some rather large gentlemen who will thoroughly explain our fiscal policy, right up to the point were you will be given a course of quantitative easing all of your own………..!
