Kevin Perkins is one of those anglers who sees both the funny and darker side of life, and there are plenty of funny and dark goings-on in fishing. He’s the Alternative Angler who sees that side of things that most of us miss because we’re too busy going about the serious business of catching fish and often missing the strange, the satirical, and the plain comical along the way.
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the whacky side of fishing life and grab a laugh or a lament along the way.
Holy Water?
Are there any links between religion and fishing?
To begin with, I don’t doubt we have all, at some time or other, prayed for a good day, nice weather, or bigger fish (or any fish at all in my case!), probably more than a few us have acted as prophets and foolishly predicted bumper catches.
Then again, there have certainly been one or two angling idols over the years; we may have even had the occasional God. And there was a carp called Mary who was worshipped by many, but whether or not she was a Virgin, I will leave to your imagination. But there are probably still a lot more parallels and similarities between these two seemingly disparate areas than you might think………
Let’s start off with Christianity. Jesus and his disciples were not adverse to a spot of fishing, and to that end, St Peter is the patron saint of fishermen, so we’re in good company there. And the ability to walk on water would come in handy, you might think. It would certainly be one in the eye for the bloke in the swim next to you loading up his bait boat when you trot out onto the water with a half-hundredweight sack of boilies slung over your shoulder. He’d probably be even less pleased when you walked back past his baits, looked down and told him he was wasting his time, as there wasn’t a fish within fifty yards.
A couple of those miracles wouldn’t go amiss when fishing either. Parting of the waters would be really handy if the swim you want is right across the far side of the lake and you can’t face the long walk round. Or when the swim on the opposite bank of the river looks so much better than yours (doesn’t it always..?) and there isn’t a bridge for miles.
How about the burning bush scenario? (That’s not some medical condition allied to cystitis) What a boon that would be for some poor long stay angler who’s forgotten to pack the barbecue? A quick conflagration in the hedgerow, and you burgers and sausages will be done to a turn.
What of Lazarus, raised from the dead and told to pick up his bed and walk? There are some long stay anglers who sometimes can’t be dragged from the arms of Morpheus by screaming bite alarms, yet can miraculously hear the bolts being pulled back from the pub door at 500 yards when it’s opening time.
Then we have the tale of the two loaves and five fishes (or was it two fish and five loaves?) being used to feed a crowd of five thousand starving souls. Either way, it’s certainly something for our Eastern European cousins to ponder, because with the amount of fish they are pulling out of our waters to eat, they must be feeding millions.
And speaking of foodstuffs, I can see the Jewish Faith giving us the next big thing in bait. A whole range of Kosher baits will take the carp scene by storm with Matzo balls becoming the new boilies and Matzo meal method mix will rule in the commercials. Predator fishermen won’t be left out either, with Gefilte fish deadbaits bringing success at previously difficult waters.
The Hindu caste system defined by social strata is already applied by anglers. Our ancient, and some would say traditional hierarchy of Salmon, Trout (Dry Fly) Trout (Season Ticket), Trout (Day Ticket) Barbel (Syndicate) Barbel (Season Ticket) Barbel (Day Ticket), Carp (Syndicate), Carp (Commercial) etc, etc, has been rigorously upheld since time immemorial. Once you have been put in your place, that’s it.
Islam could provide us with the ultimate stealth garment, the Camou Burkha. The ideal stalking apparel, you can move swims in a flash without being spotted, and if you opt for the waterproof version, it can act as day shelter too. And wouldn’t any fly fishermen just die for one of those special waistcoats. They have some really industrial sized pockets back and front and you can carry just about anything in them.
Or how about a footplate-mounted compass for your seat box? This will ensure you have always correctly positioned yourself facing Mecca, even if you do have your back to the water. And if that was the case, it wouldn’t be your fault you couldn’t fish, it would be because the infidels have dug the lake the wrong way round, of course.
Gentle meditation is a culture that we anglers can well understand, so Buddhism is certain to appeal to many. Being sat cross-legged on the bank, staring out over the water for hours on end in deep contemplation is a position that the majority of us will have taken up at some point. And having been in that position for hours, I suspect that a fair few of us will struggle to stand up again afterwards.
Not many of us have taken up the straggly haired, orange robes look though. Apart from the Dali Jan Porter, of course.
