| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
THE CRAAVE SYSTEM We hear a lot about fish welfare these days, but who is taking it upon themselves to look after anglers? Once again the blue-sky thinking, envelope pushing, masters of imagineering that are at TickleTackle have come up with the goods. To begin this programme of angler’s care packages, they are launching the CRAAVE (CRAdle to grAVE) individual positioning and mobility system. To catch them young, there is a basic seat framework that can be used as a buggy to take toddlers along to the waterside and introduce them to the joys of angling. A variety of wheels can be fitted to aid perambulation, from double buggy configurations right up to full wheel chair. Various accessories that are available will be multi-model, for example, the nappy changing mat that will double as an unhooking mat later in life. The ‘fluffy ducks’ pattern parasol can be exchanged later for a more subdued camo cover. The solar powered bottle warmer can be converted to chill mode for keeping drinks cold. Obviously these photovoltaic cells provide a charge to the backup batteries that power a number of systems during the hours of darkness. To begin with these batteries will provide power for a nightlight and rotating mobile, later on such improvements as internally lit rod rest heads, mobile phone charger, rotisserie for optional barbecue, as well as hook up point for heart rate and blood pressure monitors. The seat base has a removable section which will accept a bowl shaped receptacle, very suitable for potty training, later it can be pressed into service for groundbait mixing and then, finally, if required, will do sterling service as the insert for a commode. A snap-on feeding tray will easily convert into a very useful bivvy table. It should be noted that the seat frame and all accessories are constructed in the new ‘Hexaleg’ system, unique to TickleTackle, and, of course, completely incompatible with any other seatbox system, for obvious reasons. When it comes to buying a CRAAVE system, it has to be viewed as a lifetime investment; therefore it can only be obtained by paying (non-refundable) monthly instalments via direct debit. For this not unsubstantial sum, all necessary upgrades throughout the owner’s life will be supplied free of charge. The Rodder’s Rest, retirement home for aged fisherfolk As a further refinement in angler care, and for only double the monthly charge of the CRAAVE system, you can be secure in the knowledge that you have booked a place at the first retirement home for aged fisherfolk, the ‘Rodder’s Rest’. Here, at last, a sanctuary where anglers can enjoy peace and tranquillity in their twilight years. Everything a senior angler could wish for is here. Daytime entertainment is provided with guided fishing tours. Only authentic tackle is used, greenheart and split cane rods are the norm, matched to vintage centrepin reels. Silk lines and gut casts are used exclusively, of course, and only porcupine quill or elder pith floats. Those who insist on legering will have the choice of coffin lead or drilled bullet leads, none of that swim feeder malarkey here, nor would you expect it. Baits (all expertly prepared in advance) include stewed wheat, greaves, macaroni, gentles, parboiled potatoes, and plain flour and water paste. The fish chosen have been selected to be especially harder to catch, just like it was in the old days. Packed lunches will be provided, and will invariably be curled up cheese or Marmite sandwiches, and a Thermos of stewed tea or Bovril. Once back at the home in the evening, dinner will be something that was prepared several hours in advance and either heated up over a saucepan of boiling water, or put in the oven until it becomes indistinguishable from charcoal. After such a fine repast, the evening entertainment can begin. The anglers, sitting in their CRAAVE chairs, (which have had the Hexaleg parts replaced with split cane, and all side panels and seat now fitted out in wicker) will be able to retire to the lounge, and here they have the choice of watching never ending repeats of ‘Out of Town’ with Jack Hargreaves on the telly, or take it in turns to regale the throng with tales of ‘the one that got away’ Only those able to project their voices can do this however, to make themselves heard over the noise of ‘Fishermen’s Friends’ or ‘Wurther’s Originals’ clattering against dentures. If none of this appeals to them there is always the library, stacked out with copies of various angling magazines, none of them any newer than twenty five years old, of course. (These are all kindly donated from doctor’s waiting rooms). After all that excitement, it’s off to bed with a mug of cocoa (made with water, naturally) to be read a chapter from a Mr Crabtree book before being tucked up and lights out. As you can imagine, places for this idyllic home from home will be heavily over subscribed, so inducements in brown paper envelopes to me, care of FM, will be gratefully accepted……. |
