The Alternative Angler – Join our Club?

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Here’s a thought, why don’t all the FM members join together and form their own Club? A nominal annual subscription would reap sufficient financial clout to purchase or rent our very own fisheries. Affiliation to other angling associations will bring hundreds of waters within reach or our members. We could even have our very own exclusive syndicate water, the kind of place where you will see the likes of Matt Hayes or Martin Bowler more than happy to do a bit of self-promotion; sorry I meant write a glowing article for the weeklies.

Membership will be in three tiers, Silver, Gold and Platinum. The level of access to club waters and services dependent on which particular level you apply for. Silver puts you in the draw for a chance to go on the waiting list for a chance to fish the syndicate water. Gold puts you on the waiting list without delay. Platinum – what waiting list? Bring your tackle straight round, and would you like a light snack and refreshments brought to your swim, or shall we send the golf cart round to collect you and bring you back to a silver service lunch in the clubhouse!

Of course, if we had our own water, it would need to be policed, and we have none other than our very own Baz to take over that role, in a purely supervisory capacity, of course. We are lucky to have been able to secure the services of a couple of stewards who have recently become available after some sterling work up at the Labour party conference. Their tact and concern was clearly demonstrated as they rushed to the aid of that elderly gentleman who was obviously struggling to get up out of his chair, and needed a lot of assistance in leaving the hall.

Given that this new club will need a firm financial footing, controlled by someone who has demonstrated astute financial acumen and fiscal awareness, it was natural that the first choice for the position of treasurer was Gordon Brown, but it appears he can only offer us a three year contract as he has his heart set on another appointment, apparently. With that in mind, we have had an offer of help from an experienced banker called N. Leeson, failing that; it looks like we will be stuck with Graham for this position

Various other prestigious positions on the committee will need to be appointed. Roving reporter, travelling light and visiting all the available venues is a no-brainer job for someone like Gary Knowles, an acknowledged expert at turning up at venues, borrowing (scrounging) tackle and bait then proceeding to empty the place just seems to come naturally to him.

Promotions and publicity need an individual with flair and style; therefore a native of a forthcoming European City of Culture would be an automatic choice. If we can just drag Ed away from sorting and cataloguing his hub cap collection…… (Lately he’s thrown all the house bricks away he used to prop up cars, invested in a trolley jack, and moved on to alloy wheels – Graham).

No club worthy of the name would pass up the chance to involve a fishing icon such as Ron Clay. His anecdotes, photographic memory, huge circle of piscatorial acquaintances and expert knowledge of outdoor clothing would make him an ideal candidate for the newly created post of roving Overseas Ambassador.

He could travel the world spreading the gospel of the FM club and send us glowing accounts of how his missionary work was progressing. No need to report in too often, perhaps once every six months to start, then annually, then every Olympic year, and after that, don’t call us, we’ll call you……..etc.

The thorny question of running a match fishing team was discussed, but it was decided not to proceed with this particular project. Being blessed with so many ‘experts’ on FM, any team we fielded would wipe the floor with the opposition, and that just wouldn’t be fair, would it?

Proper consideration was given to the needs of both Sea and Game fishing aficionados and it was announced they will find they are to be given as much representation in this new club as they currently do in Angling Times, and that will be bugger-all then.

Of course, some sort of immediately recognisable, snappy corporate logo will be needed, nothing so staid as the ‘Fishingmagic Fishing Club’ will do. It has been decided that the image will concentrate on just the first two letters of the full name, making it vibrant and punchy. Therefore all manner of clothing and accessories are already being rushed to the printers to have the all-new ‘EFF-EM’ legend emblazoned everywhere. It is hoped this will have the same ‘in your face’ impact as the logo employed by French Connection (UK) Ltd.

So, all we need is a Chairman to get it up and running and then oversee the whole thing, only applications accompanied with signed, blank cheque will be accepted…..

KRYSTON AWARD WINNER