The Alternative Angler – LastCast

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

LastCast

There comes a time when we all have to face the inevitable, and shuffle off to our final resting place. To that end an approach was recently received by the LastCast company, who feel that they are ready to plug what they feel is an (as yet) unexploited gap in the market by offering bespoke final resting options for anglers.

The current vogue is for ‘green’ funerals, and in keeping with a back to nature theme, the LastCast ‘Premiere’ service will commence with the deceased’s ashes being bought to the bankside in a procession led by a chief mourner dressed from head to toe in ‘Midnight’, a new camou pattern especially designed for all-night sessions, but perfect for this solemn occasion.

The ashes themselves will travel on a suitably modified carp barrow, with space for floral tributes to be tastefully arranged on all sides. Once at the water’s edge, the ashes will be transferred to a specially adapted baitboat that will carry out the scattering, to the families’ wishes. This can be by travelling some way out and delivering in one spot, or the boat can traverse in ever widening circles, scattering the ashes over a much greater area.

Whichever method is chosen, the spot is carefully plotted by GPS, so that at a later time, anniversary perhaps, the grieving relatives can return and the bait boat will carry a (fully bio-degradable) wreath out to the exact spot as a memorial. As an additional service, a bank of bite alarms placed at the water’s edge have been digitally programmed to give a rendition of the ‘Last Post’ as the funeral barge makes its outward journey.

As well as the above, preliminary trials are underway on a more economical way of scattering the ashes of a loved one. In the first instance, the ashes are taken away and individually sealed into discreet PVA bags. They are then returned, perhaps for an angling relative or close friend to arrange a watery dispersal, maybe at the deceased’s favourite spot on the bankside.

Very much cheaper, and perhaps in need of some further market research is the suggestion that the deceased’s relatives hand over the remains of their loved ones to LastCast, who will, for a very small fee, then arrange for them to be included in the preparation of a new groundbait to be marketed as ‘Styffmyx – the Bait with Body’. This will ensure the deceased will be spread over many different locations, with the satisfaction being that they will probably then have visited many more swims than they would have ever have got round to fishing whilst they were alive.

Skynz

A development from our East European cousins, whose habit of eating coarse fish has seen an enterprising company find a way of turning inedible, and therefore unwanted, fish skins into a material resembling leather, which can in turn be fashioned into clothing. Imagine a finely crafted waistcoat, displaying the scales of a mirror carp in all its glory. How about the defensive qualities of a pair of perch skin gloves, no need for knuckle dusters when you can have a discrete bank of spines tucked away on the back of each hand.

The eel tie and matching braces sets could mirror the red braces fashion statement of the eighties, whilst the eel belt could well become a fashion icon, particularly if a young lady wished to team that up with a pair of up to the minute pike skin calf-length boots. Accessorise your bream handbag with a delightful little skimmer purse, just the right size to discreetly slip inside. Two or three catfish skins can be stitched together to make an all-weather overcoat, with the whiskers being used as drawstrings for the hood.

And why have crocodile, when apparently barbel will very conveniently convert to shoe sizes. A 7lb barbel equals a size 7 shoe, what could be easier, except of course, you would obviously need a pair. Want something a lot trendier than just plain old Hunters? Then the self coloured and completely waterproof tench Wellington boots will be just the job for you, and are expected to be a big seller.

The company do say that they are struggling to find a use for a large number of gudgeon and bleak skins, however. They are on the look out for something 5 to 6 inches long that needs a waterproof cover – they could be used as tip protectors for rods in a quiver, unless there are any other suggestions……?