The Alternative Angler – Master-Baytes

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Master-Baytes from TickleTackle plc

There are more than enough experts on here to act as consultants with regard to advice on flavour selection, and a well-known name or face is never a bad thing when it comes to product endorsement. In fact these days it’s an absolute must if you want any sort of success. The first in a long line of bait innovations is launched today, with many more to follow: –

Ronnie’s Runners

Fruit based boilies are nothing new, but this is the first time that figs have been included in the mix. They do exactly what it says on the packet, ‘Absolutely guaranteed to give you runs’. You can’t ask for me than that, can you? Eye-catching point of sale merchandise will be provided featuring a sprinting, cartoon-like character, slightly reminiscent of the old Road Runner (Beep -beep) or at least, as close to it as copyright laws will allow. Be assured that a likeness of Ron himself will not feature anywhere on the packaging, as demographic research has shown that may well detract from the sales potential.

Ed’s Balls

Now then, calm down, this has nothing to do with the new Treasury Minister. It is a genuine attempt to wean carp off of all the frankly baffling array of flavour and additives they have been subjected to in the past and get back to basics. These boilies will only come in Scrag End and Scouse flavours, as low cost is paramount, but they will be sold in both fake Burberry and knock-off Abercrombie and Fitch bags, to increase their street cred.

Only available from vendors situated on street corners and easily identified by their uniform of shell suits, baseball caps and pronounced stoop. This physical characteristic is not caused by poor diet, like rickets, nor a Neanderthal throw back brought on by inbreeding, but it is the result of walking round with the entire output of the North West’s Elizabeth Duke jewellery concessions hung around their necks.

Mere Mist

Heavily endorsed by our leader, Marsden’s Mere Mist comes in hermetically sealed pouches which you simply tear open and then let the contents waft over your bait. The exact nature of the product is a closely guarded secret, with the formula only entrusted to Graham himself. All we are told is that it is a distillation of everything that he knows, and the exceedingly intricate and expensive collection and packaging process renders it both invisible and odourless. This is necessary to prevent unscrupulous persons from trying to analyse and copy this unique concept. The expense of upholding these safeguards is also reflected in the high-end pricing, but then, the best doesn’t come cheap. Accept no substitutes, if it doesn’t say Graham on the packet, it isn’t Graham in the packet.

Barney’s Boilie Bubblers

Some blue-sky, out of the box, left field thinking of the calibre you should expect from Gary Knowles, one of FM’s foremost specimen hunters. Feeding fish often throw up patches of bubbles which must indicate to other fish that there is food around. A handful of Barney’s Bubblers around your hookbait will fool unwary fish into thinking this indicates that there is food about as a stream of effervescent bubbles are released. No need for extensive, and expensive prebaiting campaigns, just a couple on ‘Bubblers’ round your bait will stimulate a feeding frenzy every time.

Again, a highly secretive manufacturing process, known only to, and carried out by Gary himself, whereby each individual bait is somehow permeated with some form of lighter-than-air gaseous infusion. The ‘Bubblers’ will be despatched to you in airtight containers, and come with two other properties. The first is that there is a stepped-up ‘Turbo’ version available that can be used as a very effective pop-up bait, with the proviso that you may need a bit more lead than normal to hold them down. The second being a huge bonus in that fish have no sense of smell…….

Dean ‘O’s

Based on Cheerios, these are brand new, boilie-with-a-hole shaped bait that is loaded with advantages. To begin with, the shape makes them easy to hook; they contain so many E numbers, additives, preservatives, sugars, saturated fats and salt that they have no sell by date at all, ever. As well as that, there is the bonus that at least one of the ingredients makes them glow in the dark; the only downside is their exceeding rarity.

This is due to the fact that the angler sponsoring this product insists on personally tasting (almost) every one. The few escapees we get are scraped off his chin and vest when he falls asleep in front of the telly whilst test eating the latest batch. This is only possible by slipping horse strength tranquillisers into his bedtime nightcap of Southern Comfort and Bisto, but the fear is that continually doing this may be affecting his mental faculties. We will be monitoring the situation carefully and watching for any behavioural changes.