The Alternative Angler – PantoMagic

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

PantoMagic

“Oh no it isn’t!”

“Oh yes it is!”

Pantomime season on FM. What fun. So it’s time to decide which one we are going to do, and who the principal characters will be. This is a work in progress and will be updated as soon as there are any further developments. The initial suggestions are listed below, and the full support of FM members will be appreciated when it comes to volunteering for parts.

First up for consideration is an updated version of the old classic, to be called Wendarella. The tale of a poor peasant girl, locked away in a garret by her wicked sisters, with nothing but jam to eat. She spends her days just dreaming of a chance to go the FM Fish-in, and let’s face it, what girl wouldn’t? She confesses her desires to below stairs servant type known as Buttons, who has the right hots for her, but never gets any action (part awaiting casting, see below).

She is denied the chance to go to the Fish-In by her evil sisters (boo, hissssss!) but help is at hand when Buttons (doing everything he can to win her over) persuades her Fairy Godmother to pop up and proceeds to kit her out with some proper clobber. But with all this nice gear goes the stern warning that she must leave before Graham reaches into his pocket and pulls out something enormous (well, this is a fairy story after all…..). Then with a wave of the Fairy Godmother’s (Sigma) wand, and a puff of smoke, Wanderella’s tattered clothes all fall off, behind a screen, maybe, and are replaced with diamante-studded wellies topped off with a rhinestone encrusted bib and brace outfit (from the all new Nellist spring collection).

Dressed to impress, Wendarella now gets taken to the Fish-In sitting on a gilded carp barrow pulled by four rats (sorry, members of the DVSG). On arrival she is easily the most attractive girl present, in fact she’s the only girl present, but all are wondering just who this beauty can be. A great time is then had by all, and towards the end of the session, Wendarella up and grabs hold of Prince Charming’s rod and proceeds to give it a damn good tug.

Suddenly remembering the words of her Fairy Godmother she drops everything and she has to rush off the moment Graham starts to fumble in his trousers. In her haste to get away she leaves one of her diamante wellies behind. This leaves Prince Charming in floods of tears fearing he will never see the mysterious beauty again. Then he hatches a cunning plan and orders his most trusted and pious friend, the Monk, to take the diamante wellie and go out and try it on with every girl he can…..

Something then gets lost in translation, because when the Monk was sworn to chastity he thought he heard he had to chase t*tty and was last seen still trying it on in Middlesborough, when he who says every panto has to have a happy ending…..?

Provisional cast list

Wendarella – Wendy of course, although when jam was mentioned she did have to beat off a strong challenge from both Amanda (who likes anything sticky) and Paul Williams for the part.

Buttons – Paul Williams, Woody, Captain Carrott, Nigel Connor, Beccy, oh well, you get the idea.

Ugly Sisters – Baz and Phil Hackett.

Prince Charming – Swordsy.

Fairy Godmother – Ron, a bit of tinsel round the brim of that hat and it’s always been said he was away with the fairies

A – Lad – In (My garage)

Also in the planning stage, this is a rather more contemporary, minimalist and, dare we say, edgy version of the old favourite. This particular production has real tug at the heartstrings pathos, very little in the way of costumes, or set design, but plenty of audience participation. To set the scene, the stage will feature three bare breezeblock walls, with open side to audience. Single follow spot to pick out solitary half-naked Budda-like figure centre stage.

Effects off-stage of ringing door bell cause the forlorn figure on stage to jump to attention as he plaintively wails:

‘Oh pleeeeease Mr. Postman, is that my very expensive barbel rod?’

To which the whole audience replies:

‘Oh no it isn’t!’

This is repeated continuously for several hours, until the audience decide they have had enough, no refunds given.

Dick Whittington

Plenty of thigh boots, plenty of thigh slapping and plenty of pussy, with the leading man being played by a lady, hmm…Bugger all story written so far, but that doesn’t seem to matter as once word got round what we were planning a show possibly featuring Claudia and Dick, tickets were sold out in a matter of hours.

John and the Beanstalk

Casting for the selected production to commence as soon as Equity cards produced. All proceeds going to worthwhile charity of Mr Marsden’s very own choosing….

Note from Graham
Just post the money to me and I’ll decide the charity to benefit from the proceeds.

The account will be audited by Granville Mazdin and Co of Stoke on Trent.