The Alternative Angler – Passers Buy?

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Passers Buy?

Firstly, let’s start with ‘Twitchers’, those foot soldiers of Bill Oddie’s barmy army, who can afford to spend a fortune on Barbour Jackets, matching Cotton Traders fleeces (if they are a couple), stout walking boots and peer through monoculars (whatever they are) jammed onto the ground on one-legged tripods (monopods?) but wouldn’t dream of putting their hands in their pockets to pay for the privilege of walking up and down the banks to pursue their particular sport.

Why not offer to strap a remotely operated digital camera to your baitboat and then send it out to take close-ups of their beloved, feathered friends? Offer them a permanent reminder of their day out, a keepsake picture for the family album, or wherever it is they stick them, and all for a very reasonable fee.

A slightly less complicated scam (sorry, revenue stream generator) is just to put a sign up on your bivvy announcing feeding times, rope off a suitable viewing area and when you have attracted a large enough paying audience, then start spodding away as usual. Bound to be a few tufted/diving ducks/swans in the area willing to home in on the commotion caused by baiting-up and provide a bit of a spectacle. Don’t do this in the area where you are actually fishing, of course, that would be counter-productive, at the very least.

Dogs

There are plenty of doggie walkers who are willing to stop and chat to anglers on the bank, what better than you being able to offer to exercise pooch whilst the owner is chatting? Just stick the mutt on a handy mobile treadmill you have bought along, and it can be happily trotting away whilst the owner stops for a natter or to partake of some light refreshments (see ‘Food and Drink’ below) For this service you will only make a small nominal charge, because of course, the treadmill is connected to a generator and is charging up your batteries so you can use your bivvy lights, mobile phone, laptop etc, etc.

If you are lucky enough to be on the route of a professional dog walker who has half a dozen dogs in tow at a time, or even better, someone who trains a husky team, then you can afford to splash out on the giant sized treadmill/generator option. Give those pooches a turn on this and you can run a range of luxury long stay electrical accessories such as a bivvy air conditioner, powered barbecue rotisserie, sun bed (for those gloomier days), two bar electric fire (for those even gloomier days) and if you can get the dog walkers to come round in the evening, a brisk ‘walkies’ on the ‘mill before their bed time will warm up your electric bedchair blanket a treat.

Food and Drink

You can start in a small way in the summer months by bringing along a couple of cool boxes stocked with supermarket own-brand choc ices or cans of drink, even if you knock them out at a £ 1 a go you’ll have them queuing up. Later, you could expand this by bringing along a gas-powered hot plate and start dishing out burgers and hotdogs, just don’t forget the sauce bottles.

Cordon blue chef types like Swordsy can offer full silver service to courting couples with romantic, candle-lit dinners under the stars, bottle of ‘Bolly’ chilling at the water’s edge, the two young lovers can hold hands across the crisp white linen table cloth whilst they gaze at the reflection of the silvery moon in the inky blackness of still water, whilst they wait for the chef to deal with a very inconsiderate thirty-pounder which has delayed the serving of the second course…Naaah, not very likely, best stick to the burgers!

Barbers

Take a spare chair along with you and offer a bank side trim to passers by. Extol the virtues of the great outdoors to your clients, a chance for them to sit down and take in the view whilst you perform a tonsorial re-arrangement for them. ‘One chair-no waiting’ will be your motto, because if you use a pair of those multi-bladed worm chopping scissors to cut their hair, you’ll have them finished off faster than Sweeney Todd.

In case your hairdressing skills aren’t too hot to start off, best not let your customers look in a mirror at your handiwork, a quick glance at their reflection in the waters’ edge will do before you send them on their merry way. The left-over hair trimmings can be bagged up and sold to passing Twitchers as bird nesting material, thereby performing a valuable service to nature, and more importantly, saves you the trouble of having to get rid of it.

Perhaps a shoe-shine stand, maybe tarot readings in the mystic bivvy, the possibilities to cash in seem endless….. There again, if nearly every angler along the bank is trying to flog something to passers by, it might intimidate them so much that they won’t want to wander along the banks any more, leaving us in peace, at last!