| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
PROBLEMS, PROBLEMS… Given that there are some three million anglers out there, it is perhaps no surprise to learn that everything in their lives doesn’t always run smoothly. In order to help, a new confidential advice service is launched today, offering solutions to relationship and/or conflict issues brought about through a partner or relative or friend going fishing. This discreet and for the time being, completely free, counselling service will hopefully offer help and advice to others by relating real problems and their solutions. Thanks to the recent eastern expansion of the European Community, we have been very fortunate to be able to acquire the services of Dr Len Schuss, an eminent Polish psychoanalyst, recently released (quite suddenly, it appears) from his duties at a teaching hospital in Warsaw. Below are extracts from some of the hundreds of letters that have already been sent in seeking advice. Mrs. K of Harrogate writes: My husband spends hours in the kitchen preparing stuff for his fishing trips. He then buggers off, telling me he hasn’t got time to clear up. He just leaves all the pots and pans in the sink, covered in baked-on stuff, that I have to spend hours scrubbing off, only for him to do it all over again next time. I’m at my wit’s end with it all and my hands are red raw from all the washing up, what can I do? Dr. Len replies: This is not an uncommon problem, I’m afraid, and although easily cured, can take up to a year to finally resolve. For your next birthday or Xmas, whichever comes first, you must ask for non-stick pots, pans and kitchen utensils. This will save you all the scraping. For the following birthday/Xmas present, you have to insist on a dishwasher to save your hands from all that immersion in dishwater. In the meantime, I have sent you a pair of rubber gloves, which I hope will help to give you some hand relief. Mrs. W of High Wycombe writes: I think my fishing-mad husband may be gay. Every night he talks in his sleep, always repeating the same thing ” I need a man to…….. I need a man to……..” then becomes incoherent. What can he possibly need a man to do for him, am I not woman enough? Dr. Len replies: First the good news, your husband isn’t gay, but you should still be worried. He’s not calling out for ‘a man to’ do anything. But he is telling you that he apparently does need ‘Amanda’. This is a young lady with a certain reputation that you should regard as very dangerous indeed. Are you sure it’s fishing trips he’s going on? Ms T of Dorset writes: I am becoming suspicious of my husband. I overheard him talking to his fishing pals about an embarrassing problem he seems to have, but never confides in me. He tells them his tackle is rock hard most of the way out, but when he extends it to it’s full length, it starts to bend in the middle. He never seems to have any problems with me in the bedroom department, is this just happening with someone he is having an affair with? Dr. Len replies: Dear lady, you appear to be confusing your husband’s wedding tackle with his fishing tackle. Full length pole droop is a well known condition, and tackle manufacturers are currently working with the makers of Viagra to see if a some sort of spray can be devised that can be used to stiffen up sagging equipment. They are sure that it if trials prove successful this spray will prove to have many other uses…… Mr. H of Andover writes: My life is a complete mess, my fishing companion of many years suddenly stopped going fishing a few months ago. This forced me to go on my own for a while, but it just wasn’t the same. Now I find out that the reason he didn’t want to go out fishing with me was because he was seeing my wife! I’m gutted, how could she do this to me, how could she come between me and my fishing partner, I’ll never forgive her. Dr. Len replies: You are right to feel upset. Any woman that doesn’t respect the bond between two anglers, especially when they go off for weekends together, deserves no forgiveness at all. You leave her alone for days at a time so she can get on with the cleaning and shopping without any form of interruption, and this is how you are repaid. It’s nothing short of a disgrace. You can only hope that she is a serial friendship wrecker, and will do the same again to your old partner, leaving you the opportunity of getting back together with him again – but tell me, her name isn’t Amanda, is it? Please feel free to send your problems in to Dr Len at editor@fishingmagic.com. All will be treated in the strictest confidence, all of them will be read, the most interesting ones will be passed round amongst the staff, some might even get replies……..And the best will appear in this column. |
