The Alternative Angler – Queer my Pitch

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Queer My Pitch

In order to attract those wanting to spend their pink pounds, Wol and Cakey will team up to offer a bang up to date, politically correct version of the old ‘Walkers Pitch’ series. This monthly magazine of helpful hints and pointers will be known as ‘Queer My Pitch’. Anglers of a certain persuasion who are new to the sport will be shown how best to soften their bankside appearance. Tips on how best to accessorise your look to avoid any clashes, and of vital importance is the matter of being shown the correct way to display your tackle. Ensure that your camouflage make up contains moisturisers. How two-piece suits allow so much more freedom of movement than a one piece and much, much more.

A spin off for TV is planned, in the format of ‘Pimp my Ride’ where the two boys go off round the country and rescue what appear to be helpless cases of miss-matched tackle and uncoordinated apparel. When all seems lost, fashion faux pas are finally averted and there are hugs and kisses all round at the end, possibly too many hugs and kisses for some tastes, but we’ll let the viewing public be the judge of that, via a premium rate phone in.

On a slightly similar theme, Ron Clay will help all those poor disadvantaged and under-privileged anglers who can’t afford bait boats. It’s time to put a stop to their pain and suffering as they enviously watch the tackle tarts baiting up swims they can only dream of. Ron will hypnotise the volunteer and whilst he is under the influence, Ron will convince him he is Dick Walker, no less. The object of this is not to equip the poor unfortunate with the great man’s angling prowess, but the ability to walk on water that Ron seems to think that he had will be invaluable for baiting up swims far beyond the reach of baitboats.

Baz took to all this rather too well, and after a trip to the Middle East, came back to set up his seemingly well intentioned training programme for those poor unfortunates that are less physically able than the rest of us. All was going well until it was noticed that all of his pupils had one hand missing, that being the punishment he started meting out for not having a ticket. As this was thought to be still a little extreme as a form of punishment, he was persuaded to desist, for the time being, anyway. Stoning was discussed as an alternative, but no decision has yet been reached.

On the bait front, and to encourage new recruits from the sub-continent, TickleTackle have announced an expansion of the FM themed baits announced a few weeks ago.

The much revered and current holder of three Pirelli stars, FM chef Lee Swords will launch several new ranges, the first of which is Balti-Boilies. Now, whilst, curry flavoured baits are not new, the strength of these baits most certainly is, certainly right at the top end of the Scoville scale, and there is a three-fold advantage to this. In the first case, like all red hot curries, the baits will travel through the fishes digestive system at some speed, meaning it will soon be hungry again. Tests have shown that as the exit for this food is naturally water-cooled, there will be no ring-sting effect, so the fish will not be harmed in any way.

Secondly, the term ‘Bubbling’ fish will probably take on a different meaning, perhaps more in keeping with the habits of our own dear Barney. And the final, and perhaps most exciting prospect of all, is that if you do manage to hook a bubbling fish it will be like trying to land a jet-ski…

Then there are Pop-upaddoms – alternatively known as ‘Shoal Food’ these 12″ round baits are anchored just off the bottom, and are designed to attract a number of fish to feed at once, with a carefully disguised hook waiting to trap one of the unwary diners nibbling away at the edge

Oriental tastes are being developed at the same time, Chow Main is a Korean development of the tried and tested floating dog biscuit, however, the ingredients are a bit vague at the moment. And Prawn Balls, developed for the match circuit, are for those really hard days spent scratching for a bite, when even a joker is too much food. Obviously difficult to extract, as only male prawns can be used, and a bit fiddly to mount on a hair rig, but a killer bait on the day.