| KEVIN PERKINS | |
Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can. |
‘THE SEWIN’ – AN OCCASIONAL MAGAZINE FEATURING FM’S ALTERNATIVE CORRESPONDENTS The game fishing round up is supplied by our very own tame aristocrat, Courtney Ffyshe-Laitley. He has noticed a very worrying development recently in that some coarse fishing chaps have taken up fly-fishing. Nothing wrong with that you say, but these blighters are fly-fishing for coarse fish. Now that just will not do! Not only are these ruffians going to bring down the upper class standing of fly fishing, they will be wanting cut-price tackle, and worse, they are not going to be paying the proper prices for a day’s trout fishing. This lack of revenue to poor landed gentry like him could be catastrophic. There is now an obvious need for all game fishery owners to press their MP’s for the introduction of a swinging tax on people buying fly tackle from mail order companies and the like. If they can’t be bothered to go and get properly kitted up at Farlow’s then have no right to be fly-fishing at all in Courtney’s opinion. Also, still on the game fishing, word passes up the grapevine that some chap with the name of Gill Netting can remove lots of troublesome pike. If anyone can pass his details to the estate Ghillie, it would be appreciated. Got quite a few lakes that need his attention. In order to make up for the slight misunderstanding at the Alternative FM Christmas party, Miss T Ide, (editor of Fishin’Fashion) was invited down to the estate to do a photo shoot for Mansions & Grounds, a sort of up market version of Homes & Gardens. All was going well as the two of them were walking across the manicured acres of the front lawn. Courtney innocently suggested she might like a Pimms on the grass and a look at his peacocks; Ms Ide mis-heard and was in need of the paramedics to attend to her fainting episode, Courtney deciding that him attempting mouth-to-mouth might not improve the situation. Looks like these two are never going to get on. Gay old sea dog, and West Country charter captain, Tug Metodger, has been in and out quite a lot lately. Weather has been to blame, of course. Not normally one to complain about a good hard ramming from behind, and whilst not totally unexpected that it happened two miles out to sea, he certainly didn’t expect to be rear ended by a Ford Mondeo. He decided to steer clear of Boscastle for a while. Trying to explain to the insurance company how his boat could have been hit by a car with no driver and the handbrake firmly applied was not easy. Jacques Le Priceup, marketing manager of European (well, Eastern European) tackle manufacturers Bulgearia is pleased to announce his sponsorship of Kerry Growls, sometime FM correspondent and the North East’s No.1 Specimen Hunter. Kerry’s last foray into the tackle market was less than successful; involving his family in the business wasn’t a good idea, and the question of image rights, just bought matters to a head. His father claiming 50% of the profits for christening him, and thereby creating the company name, caused a tad of friction, as you may well imagine. The new collaboration has spawned the ultimate response to the army of Avon/quiver rods, and is logically called the ‘Severn’ because it has ‘seven’ tips, and three butts, and its own bag and wheeled trolley in the style of a golf cart. These various tip/butt combinations range from the Bleak Bashing 0.45lb TC right through to the mighty 8.47lb TC Pussy Persuader. Kerry swears he never leaves home on the 300-mile trip to his local waters without it. In a new venture, Lew Spigots will give you the inside track on tackle items that will become collector’s items in the future. You will kick yourself when you find out the investment potential of some of the items of complete tat that you have long discarded. First to come under the spotlight is the Edgar Sealey ‘Black Arrow’ match rod series c.1969. These rare gems can still be found for around £ 1 in car boot sales, but interest from pole vaulters may well cause the price to rocket to double that. The attraction comes from their sturdy construction, and fact that they come in three pieces aids transportation no end. Another piece of British engineering excellence from the same period, the legendary Apollo Taperflash, is also worthy of closer inspection. Although being made from tubular steel, and prone to terrible internal rusting, it is still far more serviceable that the exhaust pipes of many Fiats, and owners of these cars are cannibalising butt sections to patch them up. And finally…….. The ‘characters’ above have been bought out for possibly one last airing on FM. They, along with Gobby the Gudgeon, Tickletackle, and sadly, Donald and Damien, may not be gracing these pages for some time. Incidentally, does anyone know what I can do with 185 signed copies of the booklet I have left? Many thanks to those of you who did buy one, and for your kind comments. However, if any of you feel it wasn’t value for money, I will gladly give you a refund. The income from sales didn’t make much of a dent in the several hundred pounds I shelled out to bring the booklet to life, and this shortfall has definitely put paid to the rumoured Tickletackle bumper catalogue. Reading through the article above, I realise that it is not particularly ‘funny’, and that is the problem, I face. At the moment it is the best I can do, and it isn’t really up to scratch. An article of a few weeks ago received criticism on the Forum for not being humorous (wasn’t actually meant to be side-splitting, but no matter). After this I took stock of what was going on and the conclusion is that I have not been able to devote enough time to writing AA articles in order for them to be worth reading. Now, whilst it is easy to cop out and just quote ‘personal reasons’ I feel I owe it to the FM readers to explain that apart from having to work for a living to keep a roof over my head, I also serve as a local councillor, which involves me in meetings for two/three/four evenings per month, and Simon, my teenage son has football training one night per week plus matches on Sunday. So far, probably no more call on my time than many others I would imagine. The major difference, I suspect, is that Maureen, my mother in law, has terminal secondary cancer. She, and of course her family, have endured over seven years of ups, downs, false dawns, remission, radiotherapy, chemotherapy, and finally, possibly effective treatment being held back and only being administered too late because it was very expensive (so f*****g what!). The total outcome of this is that all treatment was stopped six months ago. Watching the slow, inexorable deterioration in Maureen’s condition, her resilience and determination to fight all the way, the unstinting devotion of Belinda, my wife, who over the last few months has left home at seven in the morning to go to work, then tending to Maureen from lunchtime until ten sometimes eleven at night, plus all day Saturday and Sunday, has just shredded emotions, to say the very least. And again, I am sure that this unwelcome experience has befallen other FM readers and their families, I can only offer my sympathies for what you may have been through, or indeed may well be going through at the moment. As I write this on Saturday 19th September, Maureen has been re-admitted to a local hospice. She had been in before, but such was her resolve that she was determined to ‘get well’ enough to go back home. Unfortunately, such is her condition that she now needs 24 hour supervision, and superwoman that my wife is, even she cannot provide that. Maureen has been made comfortable, Belinda can get a little respite knowing that she is in the best possible place to get the care and help she needs, We, her family, can now only wait for the inevitable outcome, praying that when that release finally comes it will be peaceful. Given that, you may understand why I haven’t been in a ‘humorous’ frame of mind of late. Hopefully we will be able to go on a family holiday (booked over six months ago during one of the many false dawns) at the end of October, to give us all a chance to recharge our batteries. As to my writing future, at this time I can’t possibly say. I sometimes feel I am ploughing a lonely furrow trying to inject humour into angling when anything that isn’t mainstream isn’t apparently required. I don’t mind being ‘different’ (after all, I am a left-handed Sagittarian) but knocking your head against a brick wall is only nice when your stop! Perhaps in a few months, when we get back off holiday, (soon be Christmas!) I will be in a position to be ‘funny’ once more, and there again, after such a lapse, I may not be wanted/welcomed back to FM, who knows? (Don’t talk daft – Graham) So for now, it is better to say  When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission, which supports our community.
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