The Alternative Angler – StyleFyle

Kevin Perkins

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

StyleFyle

In an effort to keep their manufacturing plants at full capacity, the rate of tackle turnover on the bank side has to be increased. To do this, heightened fashion and style parameters are being introduced, to increase the ‘must have’ appeal, particularly to the growing army of tackle tarts.

To bolster this sales drive, obsolescence is going to be positively encouraged with a ‘You wouldn’t want to be seen dead with that gear’ campaign, designed primarily into shaming anglers to rush out and purchase the latest models, for fear of being ostracised by their fishing mates.

In advance of all this, TickleTackle have retained the services of industry guru Miss T Ide, (a cross between Trinny and Susannah, she is affectionately known as ‘Tranny’) esteemed editor of the much respected ‘Fyshin’Fashion’ magazine to run the just launched StyleFyle. This Angler’s Support Service (ASS) will be run on a consultative basis, with varying degrees of involvement, from general styling advice, right up to, and including, a full and continuing makeover service.

First up, and obviously being seasonally aware, she has identified a gap in the summer market for ‘camou’ wear. In the clothing stakes, sleeveless vests, shorts, socks, trainers, and caps could all do with a camou makeover. If you do wear items like this on the bank, and leave areas of bare flesh exposed (some more than others) and with personal safety in mind, a sunscreen in ReallyTwee will be marketed, the more you smear it the better the effect will be.

Fishing hardware is also high on the list, with those angler’s summer essentials up for the treatment. Firstly, barbeques will be available in ReallyTwee pattern, along with special charcoal, which will give off smoke in various hues of green and brown. Most importantly, attention has been paid to the continual flashing caused by anglers standing on the bank side and tipping up tins of lager. The sunlight reflecting off the bottom of the cans will put fish down for hours, so ReallyTwee stick-on coasters will become a must-have accessory.

Back on the styling front, those anglers who are slaves to fashion will be offered the following range of services:

Silver – For a nominal monthly fee, one of our consultants will visit you at home and go through your tackle with you, pointing out those items which may need updating, and will bring various tackle catalogues and fabric swatches along in order to suggest how you could improve your fashion awareness on the bankside.

Gold – This service is significantly more expensive, but does come with many more value-added options compared to the Silver version. For a start, when your consultant comes round, they don’t just go through your tackle and advise on the out of date items, they ensure anything that causes fashion offence is destroyed in front of you. (Warning to Peter Jacobs – Do Not subscribe to this service!).

Having cleared out the offending articles, you will be frogmarched down to the nearest approved retailer where the correct (for the time being) equipment is purchased, using your credit cards of course. Please be advised that such are the vagaries of fishing tackle fashion that it is entirely possible that new tackle and/or outfits that you bought only last month may well be out of date when you next receive a visit. Harsh as it may seem, but that ‘new’ tackle or clothing will have to be destroyed in order to keep your bankside street cred up to date. Being a dedicated follower of fashion comes at a price, but it is price you have to pay if you want to keep up.

Platinum – The ultimate service for the ultra tackle tart. A premium price has to be paid, but this will put you at the top of the tree, an angler that others will look up to and admire.

To begin with, an almost spiritual cleansing is required, as all your current equipment will be taken away and distributed amongst the angling needy (Deanos – you may yet get a new rod!). From then on, everything will be brought to you, as fashion dictates.

For those who always worried that even going away and bivvying up for a few days would cause you to miss some fashion whim whilst you were away, thereby leading to some terrible style faux pas on your return, fear not. Our experts will bring new styles to you wherever you are, and remove the old items, usually under cover of darkness. If not, disguised in such a way as to not be recognisable to any fellow anglers so that the now unfashionable tackle and/or clothing can in no way be attributed to you.

Application forms and subscription rates for this fabulous new service will be published shortly