The Alternative Angler – The FM Theme Park

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

The FishingMagic Theme Park

Trent Trail

Led by the fearless and intrepid Indiana Swordsy, you will be taken down an exact replica of the overgrown and long forgotten footpaths alongside the Trent, in search of the Golden Swim. At all times, stealth is your watchword as you and your fellow explorers must not give away your position to the fearsome Barbellistas, (think Oompah-Loompahs in camou). These annoying and persistent little goblins will do everything they can to stop you reaching your target, and even if you do manage to evade them long enough to get to the Golden Swim, they will then try all manner of devious ploys to get you out (Warning, game contains strong language, foot-stamping and crying).

Three Card Trick

With his handlebar moustache, stripy waistcoat and bowler hat set at a jaunty angle, Sideshow Barry looks like a jovial sort of chap and his simple game of chance looks harmless enough. You hand him your club card, he puts it with two others, gives them a quick shuffle, lays them out on the table in front of you and invites you pick out the one you think is yours. But gamble if you dare, this man has never, ever been known to give back a card once he’s got his hands on it.

Bush Tucker Trial

Run by FM’s very own Ron Clay, arguably FM’s greatest epicurean omnivore, whose taste buds have tackled more diverse items than the rest of us can shake a big stick at. In this particular challenge, you will be taken into a room and blindfolded whilst Ron puts a variety of different things in your mouth. This is a development of a game he used to have to take part in to while away the time spent in a certain fishing hut. In this version, all you have to do is guess which of the objects being popped in your mouth is the fig. But be aware that there are more than one or two probables from the items selected before making your choice. Many have been surprised when their blindfolds have been whipped off.

Identity Pierade

If you are a fan of ‘Question of Sport’ then this attraction is for you. In FM’s version of ‘Name the Sportsman’, you will be ushered into a darkened room. Heavy curtains are then drawn aside to display a large viewing window on one wall. In an adjacent, dimly lit room you will see a vaguely familiar angling personage who is sitting behind an overloaded table, stuffing pies into his face. Occasionally, very occasionally, he will come up for air, and you might get a glimpse of his visage. Or you may not, because two scantily-clad, very well upholstered ladies will be crossing your line of vision as they move back and forth, supplying fresh pies to one end of the table, and take the empty plates away at the other.

The soundtrack to all this (available on CD, price £ 19.99, mail order only) is an interesting and unique arrangement, with the earthy background accompaniment of the pie scoffing, in itself a blend of heavy-duty mastication and industrial slurping, cleverly overlaid with the rhythmical, almost hypnotic, continuous clack, clack, clack of the serving wenches stilettos on the easily mopped tiled floor. And all this is interlaced with a haunting melody that some take to be whales’ song, but is, in fact, the screams of protest from the stitching on the serving wenches’ undergarments, as it heroically struggles to keep the contents from bursting out.

After thirty seconds viewing time (more than that has been shown to be detrimental to health) you will be escorted out of the room and asked to make a guess at the identity of the portly sportsman from a montage of over forty pictures pasted up outside.

Offshore Baitboat Racing and Celebrity Water Skiing Golfers

Obviously a magnificent new lake has been designed and created for the theme park, and whilst we are awaiting the arrival of fish stocks, a Baitboat racing series will be staged round the islands. A rather stupid statement was made suggesting that we could get someone to be towed behind the baitboats, water ski style. A preposterous idea, given the size of most baitboats, but then we heard that Ant and Dec had a free weekend, plus Ronnie Corbett and Paul Daniels are always free these days, so a cunning plan was hatched……….

Clatter-Splatter

No theme park is complete without its signature terror ride, and the Clatter-Splatter is no exception. A faithful reconstruction of the boards at Clattercote, you are sent to sit on the platforms twenty at a time, armed with an empty bait bucket. One hundred Eastern Europeans (on holiday from the strawberry picking fields and the Ribble) trundle past pushing fully laden carp barrows, and the idea is to see who can resist the seasick inducing motion of the boards for the longest time. Come back to the start with an empty bucket, and you get a free go…!

Official opening date for the FM theme park to be announced soon, but you are advised to book early as it is bound to be popular.