The Alternative Angler – Typically Topical

Never mind smelling the flowers, don’t forget to take time out to see the satirical side of fishing life and grab a laugh along the way as well. So here’s a regular column from Kevin Perkins to remind us that life is for laughing at, or taking the p*** out of, whenever we can.

Typically Topical

Back to (almost) topical subjects this week. A recent Forum thread titled ‘Fish Rolling and Fish Jumping’ got me excited as I thought we had finally got two new Olympic sports where we had a definite chance of a medal or two. For the ‘Fish Rolling’ I imagined it to be carried out rather in the manner of a bowls match, where the shape of the fish would decide the bias and draw that was required for a winning shot.

The choice of species of fish to be used would be critical, of course. Carp and bream would be nigh on useless, unless propelled end over end. The use of perch and zander in any sort of rolling would of course be negated by dorsal spines sticking into the playing surface. No, long cylindrical fish would be ideal, so this is a job best suited to the likes of pike and barbel. That surface will have to be some sort of knitted, fish-friendly astro turf, I should imagine. Not sure whether the ground should be flat or crown green in shape if we’re following the bowling metaphor, and even less sure what could be used as a ‘jack’ for these games – 88mm Whopper Stopper boilie, perhaps….?

For ‘Fish Jumping’ we can at last harness that plague of youths that hang around most local precincts and show the world just how far they can travel on their skateboards. A small ramp and a line of very dead fish to clear in the manner of Evil Knievil will test their skills to the limit. And with all that ‘grunge’ gear they wear it won’t matter too much if their jump falls short and they get covered in fish slime and worse, and as for the smell, well they’re all teenagers so who would notice?

JerkBoat

TickleTackle have been first out of the starting blocks again in spotting an opportunity before a need arises with the launch of the limited edition ‘JerkBoat’ a type of baitboat for the jerk bait fanatics amongst us. Here at last, is a chance to fish those lures at unbelievable distances, without leaving the comfort of the bankside.

The JerkBoat has a specially built quick release clip on the stern to free the bait the moment a predator strikes, and coupled to a further innovation allows you to enjoy every twist and turn of the ensuing battle. This is ensured by using the just released, positively unbreakable, ‘KevCar’ which is a kevlar/carrot fibre hybrid braid, first developed for use as arrester wire on aircraft carriers, now available to anglers for the first time.

Your specially built craft can be programmed to cover the entire water using GPS tracking and proximity monitors. It is equipped with photovoltaic arrays to provide battery backup in case of engine failure, and a wind turbine as an additional power supply in case the sun doesn’t shine, like night time, maybe.

The absolutely unique selling point of his craft is in its ability to automatically produce a completely lifelike stutter, spurt, stop/go action to lures, guaranteed to drive predators wild. This unique action is brought about by use of a miniature petrol powered outboard motor, vital considering the range covered is far in excess of anything mere batter power could offer. And this erratic form of propulsion is brought about by the exclusive use of petrol sourced from a Tesco garage in Essex, supplies are strictly limited and refuelling orders will be dealt with on a strictly first come, first served basis.

NUBA

Not another posh restaurant in London, but yet another organisation thought up and designed to unite all of us anglers together, there’ll be a stampede to join, I don’t doubt. No one asked me what I want, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I want to pay one subscription per year of £ 50 for a Fishing Permit that runs for twelve months from the day I buy it.

Let’s assume one million anglers pay up, the resultant funding of £ 50m would be allocated as follows:

• The organisation that collects the money pays the EA the £ 24 to cover my Rod Licence, those amounts collected are paid over, say quarterly. – £ 24m
• £ 2 per FP goes to the ACA. – £ 2m.
• £ 4 per FP goes into admin costs – £ 4m.
• £ 3 per FP goes into a fighting fund to raise the profile of angling until holders of the FP are given as much clout in the media as organisations such as the RSPB and RSPCA. – £ 3m.
• £ 3 per FP goes towards funding to encourage youngsters into the sport – £ 3m.
• £ 7 per FP to be made available as grants for improving access to fisheries, additional car parking and toilet facilities and bank clearance schemes – £ 7m
• £ 7 per FP is made available as funding to clubs who will make their day ticket waters available to FP holders – £ 7m