I have read with interest, and no little amusement, StewartBloor’s (Sedge’s) guide to becoming a specialist angler in his lasttwo contributions to ‘Pilgrims Progress’. As a specialist anglermyself I can relate to a lot of what he had to say. I feel it onlyfair, however, that the other side of the story is told. After all,in this country, aren’t we all innocent until proven guilty? Thefollowing article should redress the balance somewhat.
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For those of you who take things personally, you should, asStewart suggests in his ramblings, log off now, as the following isliable (hopefully) to offend!
‘So you wish to become a ‘Clubman’
It was now late afternoon and the figure hunched in theundergrowth was finding it difficult to contain himself. For the lastthree hours he had trickled free offerings into the swim and watchedthe chub slowly grow in confidence. They were now competing for themaggots, sometimes even rising to the surface to intercept their slowdescent.
With shaking hands the angler impaled three maggots onto theforged hook whilst keeping the rod low and his profile within theconfines of the undergrowth. Another handful of maggots wereintroduced. And then the big guy appeared.
A chub so huge the angler didn’t breathe for fear of spookinghim.
The massive fish pushed himself forward, intercepting the freeofferings ahead of his smaller rivals. The angler knew that now wasthe time, all his effort was soon to be worthwhile.
He had rose an hour before first light, made a 100 mile trip andspent all morning feeding the swim without even casting a line. Nowit was just a case of lowering the bait to the head of the gravel runand the fish of his dreams would be his.
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Gently he swung the bait into position (his first cast of the day)along with a dozen or so more freebies. The leviathan moved forward,slowly mopping up freebies until he was within inches of thehookbait. Suddenly, the mighty fish tensed, his fins clearlybristling before he turned and, along with all the other chubpresent, blasted out of the swim, leaving the angler totallyperplexed. What on earth had happened?
“Caught anything mate”…came the cheery voice frombehind. Stood right on top of the bank, sky-lining his swim perfectlywas ‘the clubman’ “Some good chub in here you know mate, I had half adozen six pounders the other day.”
The ‘specialist’ couldn’t believe it, all that time wasted. Andnow this plonker wanted to pass the time of day chatting!. What todo? He could either tell him exactly what he thought of him or hecould try and ignore him with a dignified silence. He chose thelatter, grunting at his inane ramblings whilst still staring at theempty gravel beds where just seconds before the chub of a lifetimehad been mopping up his bait.
After a while the clubman walked on, muttering to himself abouthow ignorant the ‘specialist’ had been. Couldn’t even give him thetime of day. Well that was his problem……..wasn’t it ?
You too could become a bona fide clubman. Just follow these simplesteps to blissful ignorance.
Clothing
In the vast majority of cases proper outdoor clothing is notessential. A pair of jeans and a sweatshirt is all that is required.In winter this can be stepped up to two sweatshirts, that way you canlast a good half hour before you really start dithering. Waterproofshoes are not a requirement, even in rain. A pair of white Adidastrainers are the norm, if it gets really cold, however, you can weara pair of welding boots. This is usually completed with a hi – vizjacket which you should scrounge off one of your mates that works onthe motorways.
If you are one of the elite (a matchman!) then it is important towear a pair of nylon dungarees with the name of some naff localfishing tackle shop emblazoned across the front. Preferably inflorescent yellow text.
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Litter
On no account take any home. As you didn’t prepare your gear untilthis morning a couple of ‘Ginsters’ pasties bought from the petrolstation on your way to the river will be all you’ll be eating today.Once eaten (preferably 10 mins after arrival) the wrapper should bediscarded in the vicinity of the peg you are fishing. The moreenvironment friendly clubman, however will screw the wrapper upbefore stuffing it under a stone or a clump of brambles.
Tackle
Always make sure your tackle is too light for the job in hand.Extra points will be given to the clubman who can boast over 10barbel lost in a session. Returning to the same swim with the samegear and losing just as many fish the following week is a sure signyou are on the road to becoming a true ‘Clubman’
Scales
Do not under any circumstances carry scales. The only exception tothis is the crappy scales that you get from a mother-in-law from’Marks and Spencers’ for Christmas as part of a ‘fishing pack’present. These are so inaccurate that they may be carried. All fishshould be estimated, any barbel over 5lbs or so can be deemed adouble, any chub over 3lb should be expressed as a six. Never, ever,weigh individual fish – if you insist, however, weigh it in thelanding net, then deduct 2oz for the weight of the net. This shouldincrease the weight of the fish to a suitable size. The importantthing here is if you ‘guestimate’ your fish for a long enough periodyou will start to believe yourself. Be warned though that this isquite dangerous, because eventually you will send a snapshot ofyourself to a weekly who will print it just for the derisionfactor.
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Photography
Make sure your camera is crap. Extra points for one of thedisposable ones that you didn’t use up on your week in Benidorm. Ifthe camera can remain in the bottom of your box for two season thisshould increase the chances of a blurred photograph. The lack ofclarity being an essential ingredient in the ‘clubmans’ trophy shot.Hold your fish as far forward as you can and as far off the ground aspossible. That way if you drop it there will be one or two scales onthe floor that you can take home and show your mates in the pub.
Timekeeping
Make sure you arrive mid morning and leave by mid afternoon. Thisway you will miss the best feeding periods but you can ensure a fullEnglish breakfast and be home in time to go to the pub.
Club Rules
Make as many as possible. Get on the committee of your local cluband ban anything you don’t understand. You don’t night fish – ban it.You don’t use two rods – ban it. You don’t use boilies – ban them,etc, etc. Under no account ban keepnets, match fishing, litter,fishing too light, in fact don’t ban anything that actually harms thefish. Leave in the rules and regulations that affect those quiet guyswho you don’t really understand.
So there you have it. Follow these simple guidelines and beforeyou know it you too will become one of the unthinking andunimaginative anglers known as a ‘clubman’. You can now amaze yourfriends with catches of huge fish that specialists can only dream of. You can describe yourself as a ‘pleasure’ angler – after allspecialists don’t fish for pleasure (apparently) just glory and youare above all that now.
Now go out there and spread the word…for now myson, you are….a clubman !
