PREDICTIONS FOR THE COMING YEAR
Mystic Maggot and his buddies, The Two Squatts, have been looking into their crystal balls and making predictions for the year ahead. Part of the fun is trying to guess who’s who, and Mystic and the Squatts have tried not to make it too difficult. Any threats of legal or illegal action will receive the reply, “well, if the cap fits……..” Any accusations about the identity of Mystic Maggot and the Two Squatts will be met with vigorous denials and a promise to include the accuser in next year’s FM Almanac. Remember, it’s only for fun!
JANUARY
Suffering from a runny nose and 17 looming deadlines, Jewels decides not to fish this month. Having re-written the usual ‘Don’t Give Up’, ‘Watch The Water Guys’, ‘This Is The Time For Single Baits, ‘Tweak Up Your Terminal Tackle’ and ‘Great Hair Gels For Gusty Days’, he still needs another piece by tea-time. In a flash of inspiration the carp god decides to interview himself, thus achieving something of a milestone, “I should get paid twice for this, you know; once for being interviewed and once for asking the questions. Some of them questions were quite tricky, I can tell you.”
Following a request that he uses some new images, just for a change you understand, our Jewels slips in a picture of his house and his left bicep.
VDE boss Petty Slappertown, who launched a professional coaching scheme in the Nineties, reveals ambitious plans to recruit a new army of full-time angling coaches. “It’s not dissimilar to my last brilliant scheme,” said an effervescent Petty, “But this time the idea is that the coaches will make some money…”
With his deadline only hours away Jewels realises he’s forgotten to re-write this years version of the ‘Single Hi-viz Baits for Winter’ article but quickly manages to knock together a 24-pager despite suffering a near heart attack in the process when he discovers the slide of a frozen bivvy and unhooking mat is missing. Fortunately he discovers it tucked inside the draft of next winter’s ‘Get on the Strawberry EA’ article.
FEBRUARY
Dizzy Nailor has a bad day on the Severn and pronounces the river is finished. “The Severn’s not a shadow of what it used to be. I’ll probably never fish there again. Waters like The Monument are the future for angling.”
Ron ‘The Cap’ Cray breaks his new pole during an argument with Bob Nudd claiming that Dick Walker in his heyday would have won at least five individual Gold medals, six if they’d fished one in South Africa.
Pioneering members of the Kickles Farm syndicate reveal details of their new barbel wonder bait. When told meatballs have been around for ages the response is swift and scathing. “Yes, but not John Baker’s Balls”.
Risaac Watson is heard to say, “They work because they are round and therefore roll better than Spam. Who else but one of our elite group would ever have thought of using them?”
“I’ll stick with my new designer paste,” declared Tony Giles, and stomped off to pioneer yet another stretch before dark.
Nobby Roberts catches a 21lb barbel from a previously unfished stretch of the tidal Trent. Nobby sends a report and picture of the fish to Angling Rhymes in which he comments, “I had three more over 20 in my keepnet, but I can’t send a picture of those because of the bloody whinging PC brigade.” He calms down when Angling Rhymes give him a Brennan Weekly award and say that he stands a good chance of winning the annual Brennan Cup. Nobby decides not to claim a new record being as life is too short.
The Trent Burbeller resurfaces, not unexpectedly, and pronounces Nobby’s fish is not a Trent record anyway, as he knows of at least two bigger fish, both caught by himself on an open-to-all stretch. “At least it was open-to-all until I bought the field.”
Unable to grasp the hypocrisy of his actions the Burbeller became embroiled in a debate with himself on the forums, using several different usernames, ultimately achieving stardom via the Guinness Book Of Records which officially recognised his one thousandth reply as ‘The Longest Internet Message Post Signifying Nothing’ in the short history of cyberspace.
Even this accolade fails to strike a chord, “Look,” he screamed irately at anyone who would listen, “It’s still open to all. Anyone can fish my stretch. All they have to do is lick my arse. Surely that’s not much to ask, is it?”
MARCH
“Now’s the time to smash the perch record,” pronounces Dizzy Nailor in his Angling Rhymes column. “It’s my intention to invest the whole of Wednesday afternoon at a local commercial fishery. Watch this space next week for exclusive pictures.”
Fishingmagic contributor Mart Twinkle catches a crucian carp of 6lb 4oz and decides to claim the record, enlisting the help of Andy ‘The Cat’ Nelson in identifying it. Andy decides to send off a DNA sample for analysis and they both wait anxiously for the verdict.
Rug Hayze treats us to a whole month’s worth of advertorials masquerading as fishing columns. Apparently if you have £ 5,000 to spare you can join him in Cuba, Mauritius or Guantanamo Bay where your skipper will bait your hooks and strap you in a fighting chair while tiring out anything you hook with his boat. You will return a legend in your own mind with the capacity to bore anyone who is prepared to listen to your tales of daring-do.
Two weeks into the closed season and the weeklies are struggling for inspiration. Grim Marsden finishes last in the Angling Male UK’s Tallest Angler competition. “I can’t believe it. I was convinced I’m taller than Ron ‘The Cap’ Cray.” Wept the stunted Stoke star. Cray later admits to standing on a copy of Walker’s ‘No Need To Lie’ and wearing a Wildebeest hat to gain precious centimetres.
The Traveller, bloated with boilies and designer paste, is caught by Tony Sibson yet again from ‘above Bedford’, this time at 21lb, equalling Nobby Roberts’ fish from the tidal Trent. The barbel wins Tony the Annual Brennan Cup. Nobby declares, ‘Well done Tony, that’s definitely a much better catch than my 21lb Trent fish from a previously unfished stretch.”
Nobby was last seen being rushed into the local hospital’s emergency department to have his tongue surgically removed from his cheek.
Meanwhile, Tony sends in a record claim to the BRFC and coincidentally that morning receives his certificate for a previous barbel record claim from five years ago, with a note saying, “sorry for the slight delay, only we had to make sure it wasn’t a gudgeon.”
APRIL
A Carp Society press release reveals membership is at an all-time low. “On the face of things, it looks pretty bad,” Said a rueful chairman, Will Board, “But let’s get this in perspective. We’ve never had so many tench and bream anglers in our ranks. They love Horseshoe and never grumble, so we’ll be devoting more space to these species in future Carp Fishers. The Governors are deliberating as we speak as to whether this will be eight or even 10 pages. That’s over half, you know, now that we don’t clutter it up with adverts, niff-naff and trivia.
“People quickly forget how successful our pike teach-ins have been. Dick Black made a fortune last year. It’s easy for you lot to criticise but we’ve never missed paying the wages of our full-time staff or the solicitors we hide behind.”
“Carp anglers are nothing but a bunch of moaners!”
Gary Knowall comments, “I’ll drink to that, if anyone wants to join my new group, the AARS (Anglers Against Ratfish Society), send their applications to me.”
With the river closed season underway and material thin on the ground Angling Rhymes spares no expense on a new series based on the TV series, ‘Who Do You Think You Are’. It explores the genealogy of their favourite stars. The first 13 parts will be devoted entirely to Marlon Bowleg’s family history, which apparently consists of a single distant relation called Johan Wilston.
Nothing new is revealed but a sense of relief spreads throughout the healthcare profession on hearing of the series, thereby quelling fears that an epidemic of sleeping sickness was sweeping the UK and explaining why the phenomenon was confined entirely to Angling Rhymes readers.
The decision about the DNA sample from Mart Twinkle’s fish is back and he and Andy ‘The Cat’ Nelson hold their breath as the letter is opened. It had one line: “It’s a white Caucasian. You’re supposed to take the sample from the fish, not the bloody angler!”
Terry Earner lands a fifty from a previously un-fished nature reserve.
MAY
Dizzy Nailor announces that he is about to launch an attempt to break the grass carp record from a newly discovered pool in the grounds of a lunatic asylum, “I couldn’t believe my luck – I only dropped in for a check-up and there it was, practically a virgin water. A patient told me he’s had at least a dozen record breakers in the past three weeks. Mark my words, this time I’m gonna succeed. It’s simply a matter of time,” reckons an ebullient Dizzy.
With membership numbers spiralling rapidly downwards NFA chiefs launch a recruitment drive by offering representation for all anglers. “In the past we’ve been criticised for only having the match anglers interests at heart,” said a spokesperson. “To unite the sport under one banner we intend to launch a campaign to ban specialist angling, fluff chucking and pissing around in boats. There’s no bloody fish in the sea anyway! As for pleasure anglers, huh, if you think fishing’s about enjoying yourself, think again. You’ll not see anyone in the England team smiling. Fishing’s a serious business so pleasure anglers will have their licenses removed. And their testicles if I’ve got anything to do with it!”
Grim Marsden starts a new forum section on FISHINGmagic called ‘All our Yesterdays – Over 60’s Only’. Ron ‘The Cap’ Cray submits the first thread with the title, ‘Bloody Southerners are Ponces’.
Big Nik bites as usual and steps in with the first message, “Eat my shorts you bleedin’ northern monkey!”
Drew Dennis is next, “Yeah, eat mine as well you old git!”
Third post is from Wally Gaunt, “Hey you two, that’s not fair, that’s my job.”
The final post is from TED, “Southerners? Nuke ’em!”
Terry Earner catches another 50.
JUNE
Dizzy concedes that life is too short to waste on his latest record attempt. “At nearly two acres it’s a tough water to crack, especially with the low stocking density of 300 per acre. Anyway, the Severn is in cracking form. When you live next door to the best river in England you can’t ignore it.”
“Three in three months for Super Tel,” proclaims the Angling Rhymes headline. “See pages 3, 5, 9, 11, 27, 46 and the cover of UK Carp Rhymes.”
Two-Tone is re-captured and smashes the UK record out of sight. Curiously, it falls to a bemused angler fishing a syndicate lake in Northamptonshire. Chas Bury says, “I only own the lake. I have no idea how it got in here. Perhaps it swam up the Nene.”
Randy Small begins his new series of weekly adventures in the Angling Male. However, the private Kennet weir pool where the last 53 episodes have taken place is closed for essential construction repairs so a suitable venue is found in France where, without any assistance from the owner, he manages to find a 6ft bar in 2,000 acres of water within half an hour of arriving. Amazingly this turns out to be a known hotspot and two forty pound carp in the first night ensure another adventure ends with a satisfactory conclusion.
JULY
The weed is high and so are half the anglers dozing in bivvies. “You need to find clear spots in weed,” says our Jewels in a 14-page epic on how to get the best from a summer campaign. “And don’t forget those PVA bags, either.” Adds the orange man in a red Ferrari sweatshirt whilst taking another opportunity to use the topless shot of himself struggling through lily pads to net a fish.
Bored with the nature reserve scenery Terry Earner moves on and catches a fifty from the Car Park lake. “Just keeping me ‘and in,” reckons ‘Our’ Tel.
The angling grapevine is buzzing with rumours of a record catfish caught by one of the asylum residents from the same lake Dizzy Nailor was targeting grass carp. Hints that the captor was a Mr J Bayleaf who is said to have kept the fish in a keepnet for two weeks whilst trying to catch a second for a brace shot will not go away.
The story is eventually broken in Angling Rhymes and the successful bait is revealed as crushed and ground 2lb roach rolled into a stiff paste and presented on Mr Bayleaf’s favourite hair and bolt rig approach. “This makes up for all those wasted years poncing around with nymphs on Mongolian mountain streams,” announced the jubilant captor, whooping with joy and mysteriously exclaiming, “oooooooohhhhhhhhhh Paul!”
When Dizzy Nailor hears of Bayleaf’s cat he has to be escorted by police officers, ranting and raving, from the Great Western, a pub he is known to frequent in the sleepy town of Lewdley. “What sort of bloody idiots live in that asylum! Don’t they know the difference between a grass carp and a catfish? Have they any idea how much time I’ve wasted on a wild goose chase?”
Later, after calming down, Dizzy announces that he is going to break the catfish record.
Gary Knowall butts in with, “Join my new group Dizzy, Anglers Against Ratfish Society, we’ve got loads of small commons in the freezers that make great cat baits.”
“New group my arse,” exclaims Dizzy.
“No Dizzy, it’s my AARS, I started it!” Protested Gary.
AUGUST
Frustrated about not learning of the new catfish super water sooner, Bill Smythe launches his new ‘Shop a Specialist Campaign’ amid a blaze of publicity. Anglers with information can now ring an 0800 number free of charge.
Using the government’s successful formula of getting members of the public to grass on benefit fraudsters the advantages of a similar system for swim selection seem obvious to the pixie faced maestro.
After bemoaning the fact it normally takes at least three weeks before news reaches him through the grapevine a clearly excited Bill said, “In the past, entire weeks have been wasted fishing pegs with no track record of producing known fish. If this system works as well as I know it will, as soon as a fish of any note is caught, fellow anglers will ring the hotline anonymously with information and I can actually be on the bank, before the successful angler has packed his gear away. Thus eliminating all possibility of Stiff Prozac getting there first.”
Stiff refuses to comment… or even smile.
Knowing that Bill Smythe has craftily registered at the asylum as an outpatient, thus gaining access to the catfish lake, Dizzy abandons his latest record campaign without wetting a line, but he’s not despondent, “I can’t wait for next month, I’m going to target a UK sixty from Etang de Shropshire, a syndicate water with great potential and pukka English giants. I’ve just signed a new sponsorship deal with Dixons and will be field testing a new range of solar powered TV’s.” Announces the Lewdley Bugle in his weekly column.
Terry Earner catches another fifty.
SEPTEMBER
After every other team withdraws, Russia wins the World Championships with a perfect 10 point score. “It would have been better had someone else turned up but we proved beyond reason that it was a perfectly safe venue said a CIPS spokesman.
“None of the five competitors, or our reserve angler, was kidnapped and the match organisation was exemplary.” Added Russian team manager, Vladimir Clegg.
On giving up his carp campaign, Dizzy Nailor writes in Angling Rhymes, “Don’t call me a quitter, it’s not my fault that solar powered TV’s don’t work in the dark. And if England’s match anglers didn’t have the bottle to fish the World Champs they should have sent the Ladies team. Let’s face it they have no place in fishing here in the UK while there’s so much washing and ironing to do!”
“If I was the coach, as everyone knows I should be, we’d be World Champions now!” Claims Petty Slappertown.
“I’d have fished,” said England hopeful Roy Mamford.
Terry Earner finally pops home for a bath. Unfortunately the family dog mistakes him for a postman and bites a lump out of his leg. After dressing what appears to be a nasty wound his mum complains bitterly that he hasn’t tidied his bedroom in months.
Upon returning to the lake and still limping from the bite inflicted by his ferocious Yorkshire Terrier, Terry notices the right hand rod tip is nodding away and another lump hits the bank.
OCTOBER
Former Angling Rhymes Editor, Petty Collings, begins his winter zander campaign in earnest. “Neville Tickling can shove his big fish league table up his arse!” Blasted an irate Collings, “My record stands alone and isn’t based on repeat captures…”
“Unless of course you count defrosting them.”
Bob Famous sends out a press release to an amazed angling media (that they got a press release) declaring that he is setting up his own pollution-fighting organisation called ‘Stars Against Pollution Society’ (SAPS).
Calverton fish farm re-opens unexpectedly after fishery scientists give it a clean bill of health.
The news that signal crayfish have invaded the Yorkshire Ouse is greeted with jubilation among locals, “At last the river has something in it we can fish for because there’s naff all else!” grumbled Nobby Roberts.
Terry Earner continues his amazing season.
NOVEMBER
Only one angler joins SAPS, Mr J Bayleaf, who declares, “See, Bob is a very nice chap, he does send out press releases, tee-hee. And you’ll get another one next year if I have anything to do with it.” And then goes off to write the final chapter of his epic book on catching burbot from the Trent and Mersey canal.
EA bosses are horrified as Calverton Fish Farm closes again after being open only two weeks. Embarrassed officials admit that an outbreak of chicken pox had taken them completely by surprise. “With no fish to raise we had to diversify to keep the staff occupied,” said a spokesperson. “DEFRA has removed all chickens from our site as a safety precaution.” This does not prevent the Nottingham Herald warning readers to steer well clear if they are offered cheap poultry in the run-up to Christmas.
Celebrity Big Brother is back and the producers announce they have recruited a top angler into the house to ensure the show keeps in touch with its grass roots audience. Unfortunately Randy Small is evicted within forty minutes after throwing a strop because he was asked to perform in the character of Pinocchio.
Terry Earner fails to catch a fifty.
“We all have our time you know. I knew him when he was good.” Pronounces Dizzy.
With Christmas just around the corner the Kordless Dad’s release their book on retro carp rigs. Their radical and hard-hitting suggestions include float fishing, running leads, holding rods and even being awake to see bites, are met with derision from the country’s top carpers. Despite this, Ron ‘The Cap’ Cray and the rest of his cronies insist their views are based on fact, but are laughed off the stage at the Carp Society Winter Show when they use a fish tank to try and demonstrate that a bait can actually be presented on a hook…
DECEMBER
SAPS disbands, with Bob Famous commenting, “I couldn’t stand the pace.” Hair freshly combed, Mr J Bayleaf says, “It’s a great shame we’ve gone under as we had just formulated plans to extend our remit so that we could lay the groundwork for a campaign to ban keepnets, livebaiting, bolt rigs, barbed hooks, carp sacks, and hooking fish because of the stress it causes (me).”
Kris Yakes, rousing himself from semi-hibernation, comments, “It’s a great shame that SAPS has disbanded as I have a soft spot for Bob. I only dug it yesterday.”
Randy Small denies he ever appeared in Big Brother but in stark contrast Sleazy Shainer now reckons he was there. In fact he maintains that he attracted a record number of voters but prefers not to disclose the venue where he broke the record, saying only that it was a suburb of Derby. Apparently it is not the place where you might think he did it – honest!
Geoff Chub commented, “I bought his latest book called ‘Secret Swims of the Dove’ but it was poor value for £ 25.00 for 11/2 pages about swims and two photos, and one of those was mine. Still, it must have cost him a bomb to have the two copies published as it did have a 507 page chapter titled ‘Why Everybody is Crap Except Me’.”
With the year-end fast approaching it’s time to make resolutions. Dizzy resolves to put out an appeal in his column offering a Badger Bank Stick to anyone with information about anyone who contributed to the Fishingmagic Almanac. “I hate the bloody Internet and if I find out who wrote the Almanac I’ll bloody swing for them! Anyway, I’ll bet it was written by a bloody woman!” He exploded.
“Me an’ all,” added Jewels, flexing a pec.
“And me,” giggled Mr Bayleaf, smoothing an eyebrow.
“Still, it was better than 2004 for me.” Whispered Bob, quietly, as he struggled with the pretty gag he had been given as a Christmas present by the ACA.
“I’m just grateful for the publicity.” Mused Rug.
Epologue
And so we come to the end of our year. We hope no-one took offence. None was intended….
But Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a pantomime, would it, so here’s Fishingmagic’s own panto for 2005:
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN VERTICALLY CHALLENGED ANGLERS
Starring:
Rug Hayze as Snow White – Perfect in every way
Jewels as the Wicked Queen – “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who IS the fairest of us all?”
Johan Wilston as the befuddled Huntsman
Dizzy Nailor as the handsome young prince – well, the part does call for humour
And the Vertically Challenged…
Randy Small is Bashful – a shy retiring type if ever there was one
Marlon Bowlegs is Dopey – after all, he has the look
Grim Marsden is Doc – more patience than a doctor’s waiting room(!)
Stiff Prozac is Grumpy – guaranteed to raise a frown
Bill Smythe is Happy – especially now everyone is phoning his ‘Shop a Specialist’ line.
Ron ‘The Cap’ Cray is Sleepy – the only man who can store up sleep for days in advance of a night fishing trip
Risaac Walton is Sneezy – because hay fever is an occupational hazard of rolling meat.
So, that takes care of 2005. All that remains is for everyone here at Fishingmagic, plus Mystic Maggot and the Two Squatts, to wish all of you out there a happy new year and tight lines. Be careful how you go though or you could easily find yourself featuring in our Almanac for 2006…
