The Stillwater Barbel Society

“I’ve fought a long, hard, bitter battle,” said Roberts, “But in the end they get to you. I thought I could handle the pressure but in the end they broke me down. It’s all the fault of that Fishingmagic Forum.”

The new Stillwater Barbel Society Logo

Bob Roberts has recently been embroiled in a heated debate with a number of posters on the site on an issue aptly called, “Stillwater Barbel, Why?”

The move is seen as a savage blow to the Barbel Society and came as a great shock to chairman and well known anorak, Steve Pope,”I can’t believe it!” Wailed a clearly stunned Pope. “Of all the people I thought you could rely on. This is a dark day for barbel in the UK.”

“I always knew he was a pillock!” Muttered Pope’s sidekick, Dave Burr.

A psychologist explained what probably happened.

“These people are no different to the followers of religious cults. At first they engage you in a friendly way but as soon as you show an interest they will bombard you with big words and undermine your confidence. Eventually you find yourself looking in a dictionary to try and understand the big words they use in their posts and before you know it you’re brainwashed. These people are dangerous. What they do is not illegal but it should be.”

Roberts’ new society will launch later this week but we have been given a sneak preview of his mandate. It reads…

Stillwater Barbel – The Way Forward

Despite the bitter wailings and pontificating of a self-appointed elite bunch of anoraks who all appear to be connected to that cane wielding, pin rolling, bunch of weirdo’s called The Barbel Society, it is time for us, the wider angling public, to stand up for what we believe in.

An anonymous stillwater barbel enthusiast slips back a big one into his local pastie water

I’m tired of trudging wild riverbanks in the pursuit of elusive barbel and believe I have every right to have them stocked into pools for my pleasure. Rivers are rubbish. We should be able to fish for them on waters with proper parking – right behind our pegs – with cafes, tackle shops, flush toilets and certainly not have to faff about with the complication of currents, this is the 21st Century after all.

However, in recognition of how the idealists feel I am quite happy to make some concessions toward fish welfare. Indeed, we in the Stillwater Barbel Society actually regard the species very highly and are so eager to demonstrate this I, on behalf of the mass of consumers out there who are clamouring for easy-to-catch barbel in puddles, would like to formally announce the formation of an open-to-all Stillwater Barbel Society.

The Stillwater Barbel Society will enable like-minded enthusiasts to emerge from the closet and openly indulge their desires, indeed they can satiate their passion for a fish that enhances any pool it is stocked into with impunity. It is time to stand proud and come out guys.

In keeping with our desire to expand our fishing experiences we will be encouraging enlightened commercial fishery owners to stock this highly sought after fish, certain in the knowledge that revenues will rocket as customers grow bored with pastie bashing and switch to this new and exciting branch of the sport.

The future is here.
The future is now.
The future is barbel.
In ponds.

Aims and objectives of the Society

The aim of The Stillwater Barbel Society is to ensure that barbel don’t only survive and thrive in stillwater, we want them to receive the respect they fully deserve.

Stillwater barbel are not a novelty species like koi carp, shubunkins and fan-tailed goldfish, they are enigmatic, hard fighting, beautiful creatures and deserve to be recognised henceforth as The Princes Of The Pools. They are special and we intend to campaign for the following and will not rest until we get justice for The Prince:

1.We demand the eradication of all carp (ratfish) from stillwaters containing barbel as scientific research clearly indicates some incompatibility between the two species in pools.

2.We demand the eradication of bream (snotties) and tench too, on the basis that they will compete for food and inhibit growth rates and no self-respecting stillwater barbel man will welcome the intervention of nuisance species in his blinkered quest for barbel.

3.That a 93-day closed season on all stillwaters stocked with barbel shall be implemented with immediate effect. This will run from the 15th March to 15th June inclusive and provide parity with the protection offered to their river cousins and in keeping with similar civil liberty concessions offered to typical minorities residing in the UK, for example, the tolerance shown by police officers towards Rastas smoking herbal substances and Sikhs not having to wear crash helmets when riding motor cycles.

4.No further stockings of barbel in stillwaters shall take place unless those waters can provide suitable habitat. This will include gravel lake beds, equipment to maintain appropriate dissolved oxygen levels, prolific weed cover in the form of plants like ranunculus and streamer weed, overhanging trees, a variety of depths and underwater features like gravel bars, plateaux, undercut banks, gulleys, and rocks.

5.That the BRFC recognise the Stillwater barbel as a separate non-breeding species immediately and invites claims for the vacant record. To prevent unscrupulous characters claiming the record with fish that may not have originated in stillwaters all claims must be supported by scale-reading evidence (or actual scales removed from the fishes shoulder) that will be compared with EA Section 30 records of fish stocked into the water. We propose that the record is established immediately, advertised as vacant with claim submissions invited for genuine fish with appropriate provenance, weighing over 5lb.

6.In the interests of fish welfare each fishery owner will be required to maintain a minimum dissolved oxygen level in the water throughout the year, 24-hours each day, in all pools containing barbel. Oxygen pumps must be installed and will be run continuously from 1st June to 30th September inclusive irrespective of temperatures.

7.There will be no fishing whatsoever within 20 yards of the pumps and adequate fencing will be erected around the pumps. This fencing will prevent fishing in the area but not impede the movement of barbel wishing to vacate the main pool and take advantage of the oxygen levels they may require to thrive.

8.All anglers will carry and use unhooking mats.

9.No Stillwater barbel whatsoever to be retained in keepnets, sacks or tubes.

10.Carbelling on pools will be outlawed. Anglers must restrict their fishing to one rod and one hook only.

11. No poles. Fishing will be with running line only.

12. To avoid stressing fish unnecessarily in summer a minimum line strength of 6lb will be insisted upon by all fisheries along with size 12 hooks so life threatening fights on light tackle are curtailed.

13. This will be adopted throughout the winter months, too.

14. We will lobby the Environment Agency to determine why barbel in stillwaters do not grow as quickly as their riverine cousins despite having access to significant volumes of anglers’ high protein, high oil content baits, not having to fight the fluctuating flow levels found in rivers and being prevented from undertaking their annual migrations to spawn. We want bigger barbel and we want them now.

15. We will lobby the Environment Agency to find out why so many barbel die unexpectedly after being stocked into stillwaters and stop it happening.

16. Further barbel stockings into waters where predation by birds can clearly be expected shall cease with immediate effect.

17. That Makins be closed to day ticket anglers with immediate effect and an exclusive, very expensive syndicate formed on the basis that the UK’s largest known stillwater barbel resides in there and this will be much better for the fish if it is only targeted by accredited circus members henceforth.

18. That The Glebe, another water where massive growth rates among seemingly healthy fish is claimed, be syndicated too.

19. And finally. We will set up, with immediate effect, a fighting fund to raise money for research. What research exactly we haven’t a clue but that doesn’t matter. It is just important that we do some, that way we’ll be able to claim the moral high ground and refute whatever findings anyone else may come up with. Not that we’d believe it anyway.

Footnote: Item 18 will no longer be incorporated into the Aims and Objectives as it would seem The Glebe is already controlled by a syndicate and it is unethical for members of the Society to bid for other syndicate waters.

Membership applications are invited with immediate effect.

Membership itself will be free but a £ 25 charge will be levied to fund liquid refreshment at committee meetings.

Several suggestions have been put forward for the vacant post of president and after conferring with my colleagues we have elected to approach Mr Keith Arthur who has long professed an affinity towards the species.

We can think of no-one better to stand as Secretary than Ossie. I’ve recently warmed to his verbose outbursts that indicate tenacity, a selective knowledge of the English language and above all he can be relied on to respond every time.

Unfortunately he is currently hiding behind an anonymous profile and contact is proving tricky.

Bob Hornegold will be approached to fill the vacant post of Liason Officer based entirely on the scintillating demonstrations of diplomacy he has recently shown on the Fishingmagic Forums.

Suggestions that Lee Fletcher might be invited to join in some kind of advisory capacity were dismissed on the basis that we are looking for long term commitment from committee members.

Des Taylor is being courted as the Media Secretary elect as the occupant of the post may require some experience of spin if he is to succeed in the post.

Should Des decline, Andy Little has intimated he would gladly step into the vacant role on the basis that he’s caught more stillwater barbel than Des, bigger stillwater barbel than Des and on lighter tackle than Des although it is expected that Des will counter this claim vigorously.

Gary Knowles has volunteered to be Fisheries Officer and will oversee the sympathetic removal of carp (ratfish) from the newly recognised barbel specific waters using established Australian methods.

Tentative approaches have been made to Michael Jackson’s advisors as we believe he could be the ideal person to act as patron to the Junior Section.

I’ve received suggestions that Julian Cundiff would make an ideal Magazine Editor on the basis that he’s appears in practically every other publication but discussions stalled when the issue with carp removal was raised. Apparently he felt that it might create a conflict of interest for him and the position remains vacant but the possibility of him getting a few new pictures out of the deal means he cannot be ruled out.

Rumours that Matt Hayes approached us and suggested we name our group Total Stillwater Barbel are completely fallacious.

It is unlikely that the position of Treasurer will be filled as the committee are determined to party until every penny of the levy is spent, however, should there be surplus funds a vacancy will arise.

Should Keith Arthur decline the position of President he may still be prepared to get involved in some capacity, perhaps as treasurer, but there is likely to be an issue over the ten per cent of gross demanded by his agent, Barry Hearn.

It is anticipated that demand for membership will be great as countless thousands of commercial water customers clamour for the opportunity to catch barbel rather than those boring and somewhat prolific ratfish.

With the temporary closure of Calverton Fish Farm we do have concerns about the number of brood barbel available for stocking but should demand exceed supply or the price be too high then we can see little alternative other than to relocate existing fish from rivers as no-one of any consequence is interested in fishing for them anyway

Clearly the SBS is going to be big and demand in the early months will be overwhelming. Even so the founding members will take their responsibilities seriously and endeavour to squander every penny of the levy in wild committee meetings the like of which haven’t been seen since the days of the Worcester Specimen Group.

All that remains now is to decide on a logo but the overwhelming favourite at the present time is a caricature of an ostrich with its head stuck firmly in a sand dune.

And THE most important qualification for Stillwater Barbel Society membership is………

A sense of humour.