You’re in the Swagger Now!
Okay you lot, listen up. I will say this only once. I am the SARGENT.
You will do as I say.
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? “YES SARGENT SIR” (I hope all you FMers shouted this together!)
Our mission: To stay alive and find food. We all need to stick together and work as a unit. If you stray, you end up lost.
When I shout ATENCHUB, we all line up in file, backs straight and DORSAL UP. I want to see those SPINES. I want gill spikes OUT. NO FIN TWITCHING, NO TAIL SWISHING AND NO GULPING.
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? “YES SARGENT SIR”.
ATENCHUB. Steady now. Nicely done.
When we go out on the feed, we go for everything. WE will patrol the margins, reed beds, lily pads, silt beds, weed beds, tree roots, bull rushes, over hanging trees, any posts and fences, canals, rivers, streams, ponds, lakes, reservoirs, gravel pits, garden ponds and estate lakes. WE GO ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE.
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? “YES SARGENT SIR”.
WE EAT ANYTHING THAT MOVES, just make sure it fits in your GOB.
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? “YES SARGENT SIR”. (I hope you FMers are still shouting together!)
We will harry, harass, harangue, bully, trap, surround, corner, stress, chase, sneak up on, ambush, menace, steal, surprise and capture our food.
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? “YES SARGENT SIR”.
YOU there, where has that little one gone?
WHAT do you mean “GULP”? What’s your name? “Hannibal the Cannibal”! Okay, listen up.
Light manoeuvres today, we’re after bugs and stuff, nothing fancy. Keep it simple. HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? “YES SARGENT SIR”.
What are you doing? I know it’s a “WATERBOATMAN”. No it isn’t called “SIR STEVE REDGRAVE”. JUST EAT THE SODDING THING.
What are you lot up to? Yes, you have surrounded it! You cannot decide who is going to go first! Will it fit into your gobs? No. Well leave it alone.
Okay, listen up. ATENCHUB. That’s better. Have we lost anybody? What’s that Hannibal? “Just two! You weren’t that hungry!!!”
Right, we are going to do a round up and ambush. Hannibal, you take a group and go out through deep water and up to just past the platforms and work your way back under them and along the bull rushes. Have you got that? “Gulp”. Not again! The rest of us will split into two groups. One group larger than the second. The smaller group will work along the back of the tree roots and along the bull rushes. You will drive anything out and pick of as you go along. The rest of us will patrol along the front of the bull rushes taking anything that comes out and pushing them in again for the others in the bull rushes. Anything that goes along the bull rushes will be met by Hannibal and his group as they work the opposite way.
HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR? “YES SARGENT SIR”. (Still awake FMers?)
We will all meet back here when the mission is done.
Hannibal, off you go. After two minutes, Group two, off you go.
Rest of you, let’s go.
Cue the Jaws Music. (Just creating some atmosphere for you lot.)
Keep working, here it comes, get feeding. Well done along the bull rushes. That’s it group, don’t let any escape, work them back into the bull rushes. Should be meeting Hannibal soon. KEEP AT IT. Where’s Hannibal? The fry and bugs are getting away!!!
WHERE’S HANNIBAL?
ABORT MISSION, we’ve lost them. Everyone back to base.
ATENCHUB.
OKAY,
THAT WAS A DISASTER. “YES SARGENT SIR”.
How many missing? WHAT DO YOU MEAN LOADS?
“Over a dozen to MAGGOTS, another eight to WORMS, THREE to dead fish, two to flies, five to Mepps! HANNIBAL WENT FOR SOME ODD LOOKING PERCH AND DISAPPEARD”.
THEY ALL DISAPPEARED.
“They had a struggle and left the water then took off through the air”.
THEY WERE NOT SODDIN ANGEL FISH!!!
“THEY ARE NOW SARGENT SIR”. (All together again?)
RIGHT YOU LOT.
“Erm Sarge” QUIET.
“Erm, but Sarge”!
I SAID QUI…….
“BIG GULP”
“I did try to tell him”!
“I know you did”.
“Enjoy your lunch PIKEY”?
